feel how you feel inside

A little of everything.

2009-08-20T22:23:00.000+08:00

I don’t know what to say. I haven’t blogged for so long. But I know I NEED to blog. For one, it keeps me sane. It makes me feel, no matter how remote it may seems, connected. In actuality, I’d been connected, just out of touch. Everyone seems so busy nowadays. When I’m free, they’re not, and vice versa. It all boils down to one thing, ARMY.

Army army army. I’ve learnt alot more about myself the past 5 months than I did in 18 years. Stuff I’m not proud of. I’ve grown numb. Numb to my surroundings, numb to other’s emotion, numb to my own. In other words, I do not care. And I still don’t. Whenever I’m in it, all I will is for time to pass, just that little bit faster, and sooner, can it all end. Perhaps it’s the lack of motivation. Maybe I wasn’t meant for soldiering drudgery. Maybe, just maybe, it encompasses something larger, something that debunks my beliefs, questions my allegiance.

Such depressing mindset makes this a depressing post which ends on a depressing note. Saying anymore will just make this worse.

P.S. If you, reader, happened to read this unintentionally, I apologise. No one likes to read depressing posts. Hit the back button. Maybe you already did.

You never know where's the beginning.

2008-07-20T20:56:00.002+08:00

Well, as Eric said, I shouldn't forsake my blog at such a dumb post like 'Alright man, tomorrow's the day, the BIG day. The day I've been looking forward to every year...'. Maybe I should take his lead and go,'The best friend a man has in the world may turn against him and become his enemy...' On second thoughts, maybe not, that reeks of spaz to me. I was sorta planning to let my blog die and rot, and then 2 years later, come back release all those pent-up, dormant intellectual energies accumulated over NS, although I already doubt there'd be any left by then.

I'd be like the typical NS man going to an engineering faculty in a uni somewhere which I signed up for two years ago, and then say stupid things like:'Hmm, semiconductors are squiggly things that have something to do with protons and neutrons right?', which is totally wrong cos semiconductors aint squiggly, plus, it's not neutrons but electrons. God, I'm ranting over nothing. Woah, that rhymes. Brings out the lit in me which I never had.

Anyway, the past few days have been filled with outings, albeit not those fun-fun ones, but rather the solemn, serious and scholarly ones. The EDB talk and suntec scholarship's fair really had me to START thinking about the future. For the record, I haven't have any definite plans yet, which sometimes cause me to feel so directionless like a dung beetle trapped in a maze of roseberry bushes. Duh. What sort of analogy was that. My dream job would be that of a successful investor, with the majority of my fortune invested in property, stocks and bonds always set to rise, and a comfortable sum set aside for 99 years worth of condominium stay, gym membership, and the internet, of which I can play my internet games and live my childish fantasies till I'm old and grey. Which sadly I must add, isn't set to materialise at the rate i'm going. Ah, that's a chunk.

That's right. This is the sort of post I should leave my blog at. There are only two paths to go from here. My immature idealisation of the future may turn out to be as accurate as I have described, or as misleading as I believe. Either way, this marks the start. For now, I'd better start studying for tmr's H3 test, although I've an inkling this effort will not lead to any noticeable diffence in my test results, except perhaps inducing a byzantine form of inferiority complex stemming from the fact that I actually studied.

A race to the end.

Up, up and away!

2008-05-18T00:05:00.004+08:00

Alright man, tomorrow's the day, the BIG day. The day I've been looking forward to every year, and YES, it's the National Inter-JC Taekwondo competition!!! I still remember the first year when I was IP 1 and I wasn't too enthusiastic about it. Three years down the road, and this competition brings to me many lovely memories and times of camaraderie which I will not forget easily. I'm determined to be at least in the top three for individuals black, something which I have failed miserably during the 07' comp. Facing tough competitors from Serangoon *cough*temasek*cough*, it's kinda hard, but we'll see yeah. ;) As for black team, I've sure we guys can do it! MUST get GOLD this time haha. Our timing's perfect man.

Anyway, feeling kinda high and jumpy these few days. Been practicing a 540 kick! It's crazy how the national tkd demo guys, ktigers, at korea does it, even crazier when you try it yourself.

Check this out man:
Edit: OMG check out 0:44, there's a pic of the guy cam whoring! ahaha, talk about sublimal messaging =S

There are many variations to the 540, but the hook one looks much nicer than the 360 landed one. It puts alot of strain on the right knee though, especially during landing. >.<

On a different note, I'm currently contemplating on deleting this blog. I've been thinking about this for rather long, and it's not just a 'heat of moment' thing. I've looked through my archives and realised that this blog held a significant piece of my heart. Deleting it is like having torn away a part of me. But I've also come to realise that I've been holding on to the past for a tad too long, and when it's time to move on, it's time.

I won't try to philosophise, anymore.

It's getting hot in here so...

2008-04-29T21:22:00.004+08:00

God, I feel so darn full. I had like 4 meals today, and a heavy one for dinner. I must have felt super hungry or something. Maybe it's cos of PE, or the anticipation of a long day ahead plus tkd. Anyway, I'm feeling really tired nowadays. I really wanna have a good sleep, but the weather's so warm and humid these few nights that I just end up tossing and turning in my bed for an hour before I actually drift off.

And to top it all, the aircons in the library and LTs are calling it a strike. One really start to wonder if this is nothing more than a conspiracy by our beloved principal in a last-ditch attempt to cut electrical bills. I mean seriously, such incidences never happened during Mrs Chan's era. Plus, give up your hopes for full day on friday people. It'll not happen till maybe the end of the term. Our bank account's overflowing from the deposits made by all the awesome CCAs that did their utmost and we still can't withdraw and single shit. Heck, I'll just give myself a fullday tmr.

Wait, why am I blogging of such mundane shit. I haven't had much thoughts these few days, and this may very well be the start to a month-long hiatus. Which may turn out to be a good thing actually.

BBQ havoc.

2008-04-21T20:00:00.009+08:00

Yesterday was exhilarating! Many thanks to all my friends and relatives who took time off their busy schedules and came down for the barbeque.

Thought maybe I ought to upload some photos for keepsake.

V11 guys! XD

Cleaven!!! some extra guy at my right...

Dunman friends! MUST keep in touch ok!

Alan!!! haha.

I'm not really the type to want to be the centre of attention for mostly many things, but I thoroughly enjoyed the times yesterday with my friends, all of whom I have once shared a part of my soul with. And thanks for all the presents, but really, the company was more than enough. =) Oh and lastly, I'm utterly grateful to my parents for organising this barbeque for me even when I vehemently tried to dissuade them from the idea haha.

Stuff that steers you back in life's track.

Not a very good start eh.

2008-04-19T23:08:00.001+08:00

No one changes. They just lie.

On the corner of mainstream.

spasticity.

2008-04-17T21:13:00.003+08:00

It isn't time that makes people drift apart.
It is the uncertainty that grows with time, which does.

Y.

2008-04-13T21:19:00.002+08:00

I think I seriously need a hobby. No, I don't mean collecting stamps, because that sounds lame and it's like the last thing on earth I'll ever do. (On second thoughts, maybe not, the last thing on earth I'll ever do is... let's keep it a suspense first shall we.) I mean, yeah, I DO have some hobbies, like sports such as cycling,badminton etc, and maybe comics. There's also listening to listening to music and playing com games. Oh, let's not forget blogging shit I won't ever say in reality, maybe you can count that in. Yeah.. yeah... it does sound like I have a life after all.

BUT, I mean I REALLY need to have a hobby which I can stay loyal to. Something that's productive, and interesting enough to keep a person with the shortest attention span ever, dedicated for about a month, at the very least. Yeah sports sound nicey and all but I'm always looking for a companion. Cycling alone sounds...lonesome? And blogging! It isn't exactly helping me and the relentless deterioration of my mental health, aside from the fact that it may very well be exacerbating my emo-phase. It isn't working well as the cathartic medium for all the pent-up energies that I was hoping it would. Oh my oh my. Com games and comics, urg! THOSE, I should abstain. They aren't beneficial in anyway possible only perhaps the lame argument of "hand-eye" coordination might apply. You know, how immediately after reading the last line from the page of a comic, your hand automatically flips to the next one and all your willpower to resist comes to naught with your eyes already devouring the 2nd line.

Ok, so all the tell-tale signs point to mugging as a highly potential hobby, the best of which I can speak of at a time like this. Well, there's this teeny-weeny bit of problem. It isn't exactly that enticing, you should know. It just irks me when I have spent the last 5/7 of my life getting into some stinky institute to continue doing what I have learnt to hate. ANYWAY, I think I should pick up a language. That sounds good right? I tried that, but my resolve gave way just 2 lessons through. Or maybe I could be a forum moderator. I've always wanted to be one. You know, shushing people for flamming, plus there's this 'ban' button that gives you a heightened sense of ecstasy whenever you click on it. Ah heck. GIVE ME SOME IDEA. ANYONE. Damn it, I sound like some attention-seeking bastard.

HAH. I'm sorry if I'm sounding like you don't expect me to, you'll get use to it here. =)

To whoever's bothering to read this.

This is not me.

2008-04-09T19:15:00.009+08:00

This is not a pipe.

This is a painting by René François Ghislain Magritte. We've been going through Art and its significance for GP today and my friend told me he chanced upon art piece like this so I thought I'd check it out. What's so catching about this piece of painting is it's caption, proudly declaring that what is drawn is not a pipe, which leads the audience to puzzle over the irony. If you still haven't figured it out, what the late artist meant was that the above picture is not a pipe, but the image of a pipe. And so named: The Treachery of Images.

If you ask me if the above piece of painting is an art, it damn well is one, and a good one at that. It is the inspiration for today's post at least. With regards to the above picture, I've been thinking about 'images', in the sense of reflections, mimesis of human behaviour. Well, look at it this way. What you happen to be seeing right now, is not what I am thinking, writing or meaning in the first place. It is what you think I am thinking, writing or meaning. Ahh yes yes, doesn't it remind you of the good old days of "the author, reader and text".

Ok, there's another interpretation to this matter. What I have ever written down here, then and now, is merely an image of what I think and mean. Oh my god, this is confusing. Ok, let me explain. I repeat, what I have ever written down here, then and now, has now passed. Whooshed. There, it's all past. XD What that is left, is an image from history, implanted in a medium with meaning attached, supplanted by your interpretation of it. Get it, get it? Obviously not. No one understands me =(. <--- this looks like there's a mole on my chin >.>

BASICALLY, what was me, is not, BECAUSE I'd have learnt, changed, adapted for the better =)

This is the only place I can talk about me and be self-centred all the time, yay! I love you blogger!!!

Like the holiest dream.

2008-04-08T20:27:00.002+08:00

Funny how sometimes, all we need is just a change of environment. Yeah baby, I'm on a roll! XD

Lets keep up this momentum.

Bend and break.

2008-04-05T18:19:00.002+08:00

Fuck, snap out of it already. You're screwing your life man.

Just a bystander.

There's nothing wrong with me, really!

2008-04-03T21:29:00.004+08:00

You know, there's something really wrong with me. I can't figure out what, where or how, but you just know. Pretty much the same way how birds know how to fly and living things know how to procreate. That's the kind of knowledge I'm talking about.

I'm feeling, empty. Like a sense of hopelessness, a chasm in my heart, an abyss I seek to reach out to. I start to wonder why I'm doing what I am, when there's nothing to life that I particularly look forward to. Then I start thinking why I'm even thrown to life in the first place. It wasn't a choice I was given, much like everyone else around me. No one was given a choice on their birth anyway. Yet, why does everyone continue with the 'life' that have been coerced upon them. What if this 'life' now, is the 'hell' that we conceive. We were brandished as such lowly life-forms for other doings in our 'supreme-life'.

So how do we escape from this 'life' that we are caged in? Well, at least there's an optimistic side to this situation. You aren't given a choice to be born, but you are given a choice to die, anytime as you wish. Here's the catch though, that is whether you have the courage. The courage to take the plunge and endure the physical hardship of the tearing away of spirit from body. The courage to resist the cultural barrage of visions, images, meanings, interpretations of death, to stand up to what is truly before you.

*For some reason, my keyboard and mouse froze just immediately after the materialisation of the last paragraph, breaking my chain of thoughts. All thanks to blogger's auto-save function. Ah well, as God forbids, there shall not be further continuation to the above post.*

Well, at least He gave us a choice when to leave.

Losing it.

2008-04-02T20:37:00.002+08:00

Today was damn weird. I started off in the morning feeling suicidal, yes. I was thinking how it feels to just jump off a ledge, on a whim, without any thought to possible consequences, for everything that once mattered would disappear, extinguish, like a wisp of smoke off the wick of a candle. The bashful courage needed to hop off, and the lateness for regret as you whirl towards the ground. That's like wth, I've never seriously thought about such things before.

Then, the day ended with some PSC scholarship talk, and I was filled with hope and aspirations for the future, like what would I be doing 10 years down the road, how would I be coping with life and stuff. I mean, look, how could 2 such contrasting, or rather, contradiciting emotions occur within a day? Despair and hope. They obviously do not coincide other than the fact that each are antonyms from the other. I must have been on high. Ah well, but who cares, that's just life playing tricks on you, twirling you around its little finger.

A fool's paradise.

Man, it feels good to be alive.

2008-03-30T21:10:00.011+08:00

This weekend was total slackness. The only things which I can say I have substantially accomplished is vectors 4a tutorial and cycling expedition with friends *at last!*. Well, actually only eric and cleaven went haha, but still, it was the outcome of weeks of meticulous planning which involves 2 of the busiest people on earth that it's actually amazing that at some point in time, the breaks in their schedules actually coincide with a stroke of improbability so large that...ok fine. Let's cut the crap short.

It's also one of the few chances we got to 'take some pictures'. (Note: It's not cam-whoring cos that only applies to girls! XD)

Cleaven at the finishing line!!! ~20-25km from mac.

The three of us! yay!

Well, it was a super fun and tiring 2 hour journey, but it was worth it.I hope we can reach changi village the next time round. Oh well, I'm totally shag now. Vectors 4b tutorial looks inviting. No, I shall not succumb to temptations. I'll go and sleep yes.

(there's some problem with the spacings here o.o)

She's steam, lauging on the window panes.

I thought I saw a flicker of something...

2008-03-28T18:34:00.005+08:00

You know, sometimes when you want to do some productive work, you just feel like slamming shut that goddamn book and go out to do something new. Yet, other times when you just feel like being creative, no ideas run to your head. Have you ever felt this way? Well, this is one of those times and that's why I'm here blogging. Or rather, why am I blogging in the first place?

Out of boredom, I rummaged through the archives of my blog, which brings me to the realisation that my writing styles had actually changed over time. While it wasn't particularly noticeable throughout the course of my blogging career, it was a relatively distinct evolution in retrospect. There were marked points in time where I decided "..." after each sentence was a bad idea and paragraphings were taken into account for an easier read. Then there was the time where being 'sophisticated' was cool and the concept kicked in, which was undeniably during the IP years.

The way I speak, it nearly seems as though I have outgrown my teenage years and matured in my ways of thinking, while in actuality, I'm still no better off than before. Well, give it a rest man! Haha, you've been cheated, gotcha! I'm still me. YAY!

Or was that just a shadow of my cracked facade.

If all our life is but a dream.

2008-03-25T21:19:00.003+08:00

I used to be past caring of what others say about me, but soon realised that it can get pretty bad at times. I guess it'd be safe to assume a more neutral stance, striking a balance between how socially-conscious/ignorant I ought to be. Either way, today wasn't a good day, sadly, not that i care to elaborate. It's 9.25pm, nothing that i can accomplish in such a short time-span. Maybe i shall drown myself in emo music accompanied with some delirious lyrics, and go to sleep. Yes, that should do. Goodnight.

Elegant crimes.

2008-03-24T21:26:00.002+08:00

Not just a passing phase.

Trust me.

Thanks to CPM for the extra time to be stupid.

2008-03-21T20:53:00.004+08:00

Can you believe it? It took me 17 years of my life to realise that when I'm with my family I'm usually erm... intellectually dormant. Yes. Or maybe that's just my natural state of being -.- It only struck me when my mum pointed out to me: "I can't believe you are in VJ", while I was squabbling with my sis over a petty argument of who gets a larger portion of the chocolate. Darn, why can't she say the same thing to my sis instead. Maybe it's the extent of familiarity with my family members. Either way, it's just a discovery I thought i ought to note down. Haha.

I watched my first horror movie *YAY* in like 2 years. The last one being final destination 4 which I totally freaked out when i watched with v11. Kept me away from amusement parks for at least a year? Ok no link hahaha, I had no reason to go to amusement parks either. Anyway Rule #1 wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, considering i was shutting my eyes while stuffing my ears nearly half the time. It was spammed with cliche scare tactics and traditional cinematic horror mechanisms that technically speaking, it wasn't much a difference from any other horror shows. The only thing interesting was the plot really, which was rather elaborately thought out in my opinion. Actually, maybe you shouldn't take my word for it, because this is about the 2nd horror movie I've ever watched in my lifetime haha!

I'm looking forward to some rollerblading and cycling tomorrow! I desperately need to exercise. Anybody on for a game of badminton?

Draft.

I NEED to break free!!!

2008-03-18T21:52:00.003+08:00

Suffering from social steric hindrance and its withdrawal symptoms.

We're all mad.

2008-03-11T20:13:00.009+08:00

Ah, its been nearly 2 weeks, pardon my absense in the blogosphere(though i doubt i'll be missed). Been suffering from off-loading, which in geographical terms means the sudden release in pressure which results in spalling of a rock. Haha, alright, enough of that crap. I'm rather glad that CT 1 is over, and march holidays are here. It's one that I'm sure I'll need badly. Oh well, somehow, holidays never last. And after that, its a race to the end. >.<

Been stuffing heroin down my ears nowadays =). Behind The Sea by Panic! at the disco is really, really nice. It's one of those songs that can reach out to me. Regrettably, i haven't made any sense out of the lyrics yet -.- Check it out:

Our daydream spills from our quartet
Breaks free of my wooden neck
Left a nod over sleeping waves
Like bobbing bait for bathing cod
Floating flocks of candle swans
Slowly drift across wax ponds

The men all played along to marching drums
and boy did they have fun behind the sea
They sang, "so our matching legs are marching clocks
and we're all too small to talk to god
Yes, we're all too smart to talk to god"

Toast the fine folks casting silver crumbs
to us from the dock.
Jinxed things ringing as they leak
through tiny cracks in the boardwalk.
Scarecrow now it's time to hatch
sprouting suns and ageless daughters.
Those watermelon smiles just can't ripen underwater
Just can't ripen underwater

The men all played along to marching drums
and boy did they have fun behind the sea
They sang, "so our matching legs are marching clocks
and we're all too small to talk to god
Yeah, we're all too smart to talk to god
oh, we're all too smart to talk to god"

Still, it got the other me thinking about sanity. And here comes my usual dose of philosophy. Start your engines, in 3, 2, 1... ! XD

Let's start with what it means to be sane: "showing reason, sound, healthy judgment" Ok, so being sane is to be sound in the mind, to be healthy psychologically. But what actually is being psychologically sound and healthy? Well, in my opinion, being sane just means thinking rationally and being pragmatic in ways which have practical influences. Conversely, to be insane, is to be mentally deranged and utterly senseless. Note the images that come to your mind of relating to the connotations associated with being insane.

What will you say if I said all of us are insane? My hypothesis is that there appears to be an extent of derangement in everyone of us, in one way or another. A very general example is the point of time when you slip into sleep, the gradual loss of consciousness, pragmatism and all that once made sense with your rational life. It's just how often you experience it, how you get yourself in it. I suppose extreme physical and mental fatigue can lead to such a condition, not to generalise though. A common symptom is the extended range of possibilities and the de-establishment of 'common sense', what others might term as naive idealism, or being in the state of deliriousness. I think it might have something to do with the left/right brain concept. Either way, such a mental condition isn't seen to have any practical benefits to society and it can be seen by the associations to words describing it. (Somehow it reminds me of Isaac Mendez in Heroes, the painter you know)

Oh well, I guess I'm being very vague, but it's really hard to describe the circumstances and all, in a logical manner. Anyone reading this post will think I'm deranged to start with hahaha. So much for being an oxymoron. Well, I'm normal, really, but I just wish to address this 'issue' in as frank a manner as i possibly can, and I'm not afraid if I am being 'mistakenly' (in your sense) associated with it.

I know it's mad, but I go to hell, will you come with me, or just leave?

Contentment, truly a point of contention.

2008-02-23T19:44:00.006+08:00

I once asked a friend, a peculiar friend to mention, for he usually keeps to himself and hasn't much of the outside world to see, as to whether he ever felt contented. Without much of even a trace of hesitancy, his reply was simple: "Yes." Then I asked him again, whether he felt contented with me. He said he wasn't.

I was puzzled. I reasoned with him that if he felt truly contented of himself, he would be, in the same sense, contented with everything he has, everything around him, let alone me whom he knows well. He answered me, saying that if he'd ever felt contented with me, he'd have sinned terribly for as I would have no reason to better myself.

I thought over what he said, rather deeply.

But I ain't gonna write my thoughts down, for this friend never existed, as long as I did.

Edit: It suddenly dawned upon me. I was the only one who hasn't moved on.

Never felt so good to be so wrong.

2008-02-17T21:35:00.003+08:00

Wow, the weekend's over in no time. I'm suddenly feeling the pressure as CT is drawing nearer. I bet I'm the last person who is going to start mugging lah. I know what i shall do. On this blog, I hereby swear that I will officially start mugging by tomorrow, Febuary 18, Monday. Anyone reading this post shall hold witness to the bolded statement above. Yes! Good. NOW i have a reason to start mugging.

Chingay was rather enjoyable, in a sense. Time passed considerably fast. All i had to do was a redirect human traffic from a large corridor on the ground level of the supreme court, for "security" reasons, to a pavement with a width large enough to fit 1 and a half shoulder-length of a person, let alone the fact that it was suppose to be a two way traffic -.- People were throwing me looks of ridiculosity, like i was mental or something. I bet I would have been overthrown if not for the 2 metal barricades i had the luxury of borrowing from the guards.

Just done watching sweeney todd. Thought it was a relatively popular musical. I'd say its a really good one for a musical/movie, the plot, animation, acting , singing and all. Sweeney had a really good voice (who was he? o.o) plus that witch look-alike, she wasn't too bad either. I thought the scene where Sweeney was shaving Judge Turpin and singing a duet along with him, was rather gay though. He was practically hugging him lah! haha, nearly thought they'd kiss lol.

Right, anyway this shall be the last movie till date until CTs are OVER! Anyone who spots me slacking, please PLEASE remind me to do some constructive work lol. I'm not looking forward to being kicked out of h3 phy i had so painstakingly worked for. (did i? o.o)

You had my heart on lockdown.

Valentine's day

2008-02-14T20:52:00.001+08:00

Chocolate overdose.

Sweet torture.

Gut-wrenching.

What if the gossip was about you?

Chinese New Year

2008-02-10T20:13:00.000+08:00

Alright, the last 4 Cny days passed in a blur. I would say that CNYs are becoming more and more eventful for me as we grow older each year. When we were young, we used to care about playing catching under the blocks, in the carpark while the adults chatted bout old times, that is after collecting all those thick ang baos filled with wads of you-know-what. Sometimes we would fish out a few pathetic cents from our wallet to gamble after hours of begging for permission from our parents, and mischieviously try to feel via the thickness of the red packet just how much we were getting from our ah yi's, shu shu, gu gu. Well, it ends up that all were roughly the same after all, and in the end, it didn't mattered cos our parents kept them "for our own good".

Yet, as each year passes, there seems to be less and less homes to visit, as the elders pass away one by one, no matter the numerous wishes of good health they receive every year. I suppose that the true meaning of CNY is just the gathering together and having fun with people around you, you know you can trust. It is a chance for congregation, both young and old alike.

Today, I went to my secondary 2 teacher's house. It has became an annual affair the past 4 years for the twees to gather there. The turnout wasn't too bad, about 1/3 of our class turned up. Mr Hia was as accomodating as ever, setting up mahjong table and packs of cards for us. We had pizza for lunch, his treat, plus red packets from him, though sometimes it makes me wonder if we were infringing upon his hospitatlity, especially since he doesn't recognise most of us after the many years. Still, I felt really good. Meeting up with old friends and catching up with old times are really just what i needed at that moment. I would say it was great that none of us had changed drastically, in a manner of speaking. We could still relate to each other and have fun together.

The best thing that happened was later after that, when my maid of 10 years ago came back to visit me and my family. She is a Filipino, and took care of me and my sis really well for 4 years since i was 3. She is called Yolinda, but we were used to calling her Yolly since young, and so we did. I thought i would feel awkward when we met, but all those feelings of distances vanished as soon as she embraced us. She hasn't changed a bit since she left both image/personality-wise. Rather amazing since she was supposed to has aged 10 years. Conversely, me and my sis were of stark difference from when she last saw us. We chatted about past times, where me and my sis can't sleep unless we both held her hand, causing her to sleep in the middle with hands outstretched, where she used to cook our favourite porridge mixed with egg and sausage, where she'd cycle me and my sis to kindergarden one by one. We kindly invited her to stay for dinner where she politely declined. Instead, she invited us for dinner and movies later on her account where we too declined feeling we shouldn't impinge upon her either. Either way, it was really a pleasant surprise.

All in all, today made a good conclusion for an eventful chinese new year. Here's wishing all of you a very happy chinese new year! =)

ARG!!! NO, NO! Don't blog this!!!!

2008-02-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

I swear I have split personalities, or rather, all of us do. We all behave differently depending on the social circle we are in at the moment in time, including our attitude, approach and the way we react to situations. We behave differently with our family members, with our friends, our good friends and strangers.

That's why i've never held much regard towards personality tests, no matter how 'accurate' or investigative they may be. What these tests lack is the clear demarcation of our personalities in the different social situations we are in and how we adapt with the changes in our social surroundings. The result of such tests is usually the general personality of the participant at the point of doing the tests, which is not particularly reflective of who we happen to be.

To prove my point, let us take the example of what runs through the mind of a participant as he sits through the test. Let's say he sat through the test in school. Therefore, his general personality at the point of time is that of how he interacts with his classmates and friends within the school. When he encounters a question, taking for example a typical question requiring you to rate the extent of agreement to the statement: "You like talking to people.", the participant will then relate to his experiences IN SCHOOL, jolting past memories of talking to classmates and the feelings at the point in time. This particular memory, is usually the one which is most memorable(repulsive/enjoyable) and obviously, the most recent. Of course, i do not deny that the mind also seeks for other experiences that relates to talking to people, and then finding a right balance to choose the most suitable answer, however, the point made here is that they are usually, USUALLY, dependent upon the participant's current social surroundings and perhaps the mood factor.

Oh well, thats just the philosophical me >.>

I'm not usually like that.

Finalised! ..for now.

2008-02-04T21:10:00.000+08:00

Hmm, so this is the new layout! TA-DA!
*opens arms expectantly*

Oh well, basically its all done, the html and all. It's quite satisfactory, only for the fact that i cant make the links in the side column another colour besides blue and underlined. -.- I've tried like (font size="2.5" face="tahoma" color="#333333") in front and (/font) behind, but it doesn't work! Anyone any suggestions? Only the sizing and font works, but not the colours!

And also the titles of the side column too. They always appear in italics, when there isn't any italic coding "(i)(/i)" on them? Weird stuff. Can't help it, but I'm glad that at least the main column "(blogitembody)" is alright.

Will be glad if anyone can offer any help. Thanks in advance! ;)

STicKmAN.

2008-02-03T17:22:00.003+08:00

Stickman's the easiest drawing ever. And yet, whatever pose he is in, he always looks as if he's doing something. Well, sometimes spastic, and thats why i love it.

Here's a lame attempt to make stickman unstickman-ish.
Well, on second thoughts, he does look like he's praying, or maybe its yoga.

Heck, this just demonstrates the small extent of my creativity.

On a different note, although within the octave.

2008-02-03T15:44:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, we don't sleep because we're tired, but rather we just need a realm to hide from reality.

Have you ever felt that being in a JC just makes you feel so utterly useless. Of all the things that they teach us, all the stuff that we learn, they're just so theoretical. What is the use of all these fancy theories when we don't know their applications and practical use? I swear we'd be better off in ITE or polys. What they learn is what our world needs, people with skills that can be applied within industries. These are the people that are indeed special.

Education is creating commoners out of us.

(To all self-professed hardcore muggers out there:
Special thanks for awaking me to who I really am and what I really need. At the same time, if you happen to read this, I apologise with all sincerity for wasting your precious mugging time, and while doing so, i can only try my best not to be a hypocrite reaching out to the maths file underneath my table)

The next thing you know, they will be teaching us how to be special.

Right in the head tonight.

2008-01-31T21:22:00.000+08:00

Today, MY WALLET FELL INTO THE TOILET BOWL! Omgomgomgomgomgomogmg. Luckily, and i really mean LUCKILY, the toilet bowl was flushed. I can't imagine what it will be if its not. I retrieved it quickly (you wont wanna know the gross details of how i managed to retrieve it), so the contents were relatively 'dry'. Anyway, I NEED TO GET A NEW WALLET!!! This sucks.

Beetsma's lecture for the physics h3 peeps was hilarious. Trust me. We were learning about the duality of wave and particles. Like how a wave could be/act like a particle and vice versa. And he was telling us how we can walk through walls if we travelled fast enough. To quote: "When we move, the atoms in our body vibrates at a certain frequency, agree? So as you can see from this equation, 12ms^-1 gives us a frequency of 1... * 10^-36 hertz, accroding to plancks constant. So you can actually walk through walls if you move fast enough! x) *beetsma smiling waiting for a response*" and everybody was giving the >.> face. hahaha. Oh OH! andd... when we were going through the mcqs, he was saying: "So you see, these questions are very long and lengthy, and sometimes, we rush for time during exams and cannot finish reading them in time. However, generally, the longest answers are the correct answers, so you all know what to do now right? x) *beetsma benile smile again*" Oh well, fancy a teacher saying that. -.- He continued saying how cambridge examiners already know this trick and that they usually set answers the same length. Thats like.. wtf? Haha. Its funny though.

And chingay wants us all to wear white shirts cos guest speakers from PA (people's association) are coming down...

I swear my heart isn't buried here.

Too stbborn to ask for directions.

2008-01-30T18:45:00.000+08:00

It's not funny!

At least not when it's on me.

Dang! girl, my fingers' on the ledge.

Time out.

2008-01-28T20:12:00.000+08:00

Confucius once said: "A man running from a car gets tired, a man chasing a car gets exhuasted."

DRAINED.
P= E/t.
E= Pt
(P -> constant)
as t decreases,
E decrease.

P -> failure

If only we can take a step back from life. No, i meant reality.

Regret science. objectivity. relativity. i need to feel, more. explore, experience. heart vs. mind. finding a balance. always juggling from one to another, sliding from side to side, never to to reach an equilibrium. why do people always look for me to type long statements, as if its me to type long statements that usually make no sense and come about as lengthy, unnecessary and extravagant, something which i need to change, to rectify of before it gets out of hand, before people complain and find it irritable, digusting and make me swear i dont make sense, not that i want to. NOW HAIL ME!

feelings

2007-07-06T21:06:00.000+08:00

Heh. can you believe it? its already been half a year since a last posted.

I guess my inactivity was due to 2 facters, mainly a deliberate action to abstain from blogging and see obvious changes in my mental state, and secondly, greater attachment and commitment (i won't say it is addiction though) to school and internet gaming.

Looking back at my past posts, I realised i am what some may call "emo". I don't really like using this word in particular, and im not too sure why, but perhaps it may be the culture of people using it that i don't want to be associated with. In another perspective, i also feel that i am more motivated. After I have not blogged for so long, I feel i lack of enough reflection and motivation to strive for what i want. I don't know.

Great. abstaining for half a year still doesn't make much difference. I'm still as unsure of myself as i was.

making sense of sensations.

Let's start afresh.

2007-01-20T18:38:00.000+08:00

Ahhhh! Its already 2007. Can you believe it? It's one of those times of the year where you look back and say: "Time passes so fast." But it's true! I'm already JC1? And so are my friends? It's like.. I dunno. These past few weeks have been kinda fine. My class is really a nice bunch of people, but somehow I feel that the ice between us have yet melt. The next thing we need now is a penguin with a pickaxe. Joking, haha. Nah, what we need is the warmth of a bonfire.

Ok, I know it's not nice to be complaining just when school starts, but I'm just not used with this whole floating classroom idea. VJ has became somewhat foreign to me, now that the place that i once used to hang out after school gone, and the only alternatives you can turn to is the canteen and the library. It's like, two options: "Eat and get fat, or mug till you drop."

And, yes, orientation is fun and all, but after that, it's down to boring lectures and tutorials. The last thing you need are bad tutors, which all boils down to 2 types. Firstly, the one who talks long-windedly just to pass time and checks with you ever so often whether the bell has rung, and the other who rushes through lectures just to be able to complete a certain amount by the end, not caring whether the students understand them or not. Seriously, how are students gonna do well if the tutors can't be bothered themselves?

Nah. Cool boy cool. I shan't talk bout such stuff in this manner. I need to think. Yes, think. But how? How to? Somehow, I feel so pressed nowadays. It's like, everything has been squeezed out of me, emotions drained and muscles tired. No, i don't want to change this way. I must maintain positivity. Come on! I can do it! Yes. I'm sure I can. Things will turn for the better. I hope.. No! Don't hope! IT WILL!!! Arhh. Please, ignore me for just this while. I will be back.

Is this called angst?

all balls are round.

2006-12-13T16:22:00.000+08:00

I have a lot bottled up in me these few days. No. Im not cathartic, nor angsty. Just plainly feeling bored, happy, angry, sad and joyous at the same time. There has been much going on these few weeks and as many thoughts as usual. Dint care to blog as by the time I reach home, I feel that I ought to take a break from all the madness and chaos.

MSN games has been one of my relieves, so if you feel like entertaining yourself or for my sake (I’ll be touched), please don’t hesitate to invite me to a game (preferably reversi..muahaha). Hahaha. And lately, I’ve taken to watching POT again. It really is not bad, though the moves are getting more and more absurd, where there is this tennis ball that resembles a hadyugen. -.- I found a ddl (direct download) site for it! If you want to know, play with me a game! =p So happy man. Just note, bittorent sucks.

Anyway, contrary to jy’s tag, I really feel like blogging my thoughts again. Pardon me, im not so much of one who blogs bout nuances of life. Sorry. Haha. Frankly, I have been thinking about confidence. Yes, you heard me, confidence. How does confidence come about? How does one attain confidence of oneself? What really is the true value of confidence?

Strangely, I started wondering about this topic while boarding a bus. Lets run through a simple thought experiment (this must be one of my favourite phrases), imagine you are boarding a bus. According to Hund’s rule, people will fill the seats up by 1 person to each 2-seater, lets say all the seats are filled with 1 person, so, instead of standing, you choose to sit too. You glance at all the electrons (oops, faces) and you choose someone to sit beside. How does this process work? It works in a split second.

After some thought, here are the factors I thought a person (or rather me) might consider before choosing to sit beside a stranger. Our brain compares the age (estimated, which is interlinked with size and image), normality (whether the person seems normal enough), sex (male/female), and confidence (image, sexuality) which I shall explain later. It is of a high probability that you will choose to sit with another with a larger age gap, greater normality, similar sex, and as for confidence, one that matches or seems lesser than yours, well, at least in my experience.

Let us jump start from the factor of confidence, and as for the other factors, you might want to try figure the whys yourself. Confidence comes about by how comfortable you feel about yourself, in face with others around you. It arises when one feels dominant in terms of structural and intrinsic characteristics, and that they closely match the ideals/desired, specific to whatever context. With this, confidence arises.

But why? As defined by the dictionary, confidence is the quality or state of being certain. As one closely fits the ideals, things usually slide in favour of him/her. As such incidences occur repeatedly throughout one’s life, it provides a form of assurance, certainty in one’s abilities, or even attractiveness, where with confidence is born.

However, the true value to confidence lies in the depth of this double-edged sword. Over confidence occurs when one is enclosed in thick masks of confidence, such that they are blinded by how much they have deviated from the actual ideal, and yet carry on in their own play. The power of bona fide confidence is nonetheless miraculous, where similar to alchemy, stones can be turned into gold. Yet, the process of attaining such nirvana-like confidence is simply unimaginable. Is there a short-cut? I bet there is. Just hoping to find it someday.

that was bloody random.

just the right amount

2006-11-21T20:37:00.000+08:00

I just got a real fright yesterday. Perhaps it is my new specs, then again, it might be due to the bright light. It first caught my attention when I was curious of why there were so much white dust on one of the kitchen shelves, which had a striking resemblance to sugar speckles. Bad. Sugar. Attract ants.

But then I noticed that those little white speckles were too small even if compared to an average fine sugar speck. They were more like dust, so i examined them more closely. I got the shock of my life. Have you guessed it by now? They moved. They actually moved.. Under scrutiny, the whole area of white speckles actually moved in unison, much like an army of ants. However, if compared to those tiny red ants, they are most probably 1/5th of that size.

It was damn freaky. Moving white speckles, in the kitchen! Should I not have looked closely, I would have missed them.Guess they are some sort of fly larvae, nearly mistook them for maggots. Of course, I alerted my mother and we cleared the whole place. Yesterday, i was too freaked to even eat a piece of bread from an oven, as i cannot spot any moving white spots in the milky-white drape of the soft bread. However, we are missing the point of this post. Let's see. How should i put this? Ok.

Occasionally, in the fleet of a moment, we have wished for super human senses, or even having entra sensory parts. We always hope for more than we have been given. Then again, have you ever stopped to think of the consequences of having more than what you already have? Such as, what if you really have eyes which are so acute that you can see say, micro organisms? With new senses come new fears. We wouldn't dare touch a piece of tissue, or even maybe to breathe! Micro organisms are all around us! We certainly can't disinfect the whole world.

Sometimes, it is better to leave things as they are. Stuff made and created, are often more appropriate to be left alone. I learnt my lesson, spoiling many of bicycles after modifying their parts. And similar to this, God has bequeathed to us just exactly what we had needed to survive, at least. Any more or any less adjustments, might or will, result in dire consequences unimaginable.

Other times, I feel this world is too perfect. Those who are still complaining of imperfections, be damned.

but why?

2006-11-09T22:14:00.000+08:00

The world is perfect. Don't you think so?

This just makes me sound so hypocritical when just three days ago, Iwas telling a friend that nothing in life is perfect.

Nothing in life is perfect, so much so that God had made it this way such that it is perfect. We, homosapiens, are undeniably insatiable, and God made it this way so that humanity will do all it can to satisfy its wants. But he knows that this is never possible, therefore, there will always be progress.

However, God did not create a perfect circle of life, instead, it would be more aptly described as a perfect spiral. the progress will lead us to nowhere but nothingness, where we will end up at the centre of this spiral, a point in space, and then "poof", nothing. He takes it nothing more than a game, like a child playing lego just to destroy it afterwards.

Yet, humanity will never ever see His purpose to doing so. We will never find the meaning of life. Why, why, why? Its precisely of this damned word. Why. Homosapiens, constructed with a mind of curiosity never appeased, will always try to start with the root, never with the trunk, nor with the twigs. Funny, I am applying the analogy using one of God's first creations. Not that the answer lies anywhere there. This answer can never be known if we start by questioning.

Let's start with the reason of why. Or, why why? Hmph. Its just laughable. Simply, He designed us this way. He who knows all, created everything in synchrony, left only the knowledge of creationism for himself. Much like how the chinese folktale describes the cat's cunningness of teaching manuevering skills to the tiger, except one of climbing. God, is no different. He creates, and then limits. Limits which we will never break out. Similar to dimensions we can never conceive. Its like an escape route for Him. No. No, no, no. We should never try to compare Him using our instincts as humans. Maybe...we will never know.

But why?

gekai, the human world

2006-10-17T21:23:00.000+08:00

Hell. What am I hesitating about here? Maybe because I haven’t blogged for long. Rather long, too long. But no. that shouldn’t be the reason I am blogging. We should blog only when we feel like. Never ever force ourselves to conform to social needs. The question to ask then is, can we?

Anyway, I’ve been thinking on who I really am, again. It sure is becoming such a commonplace for me. Sigh. But of course, everyone’s gotta go through this stage. Well, admittedly, not everyone. Haha. Oh no!!! HALT! No! this is not meant to conform to social needs. Seriously. I have seriously been thinking, for really, really long. Maybe it is my thoughts that have kept me sane (insane?) these periods, it is these thoughts that kept me from becoming those mindless wanderers that I see taking public transport, with that distant look in their eyes that they all seem to have. No, they are not zombies, they are just on autopilot.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I do have affinity with Chinese. I can connect with the topics that repeatedly appear in those hated comprehensions. They just seem to speak my mind, helping me ask those questions I really would like to be answered. Like, when I was thinking about mirrors, reflection of our forlorn souls, it just came out in the practice papers. I mean like, they express most of my thoughts, sometimes just some, other times, exposing me to deeper waters. That is scary, I may drown, and I am well in the process already anyway.

Let us not sidetrack. Erm..you surprised? Haha. I have not reached my main topic yet. Ok, back to who I am (no pun intended). Actually, I have been thinking back to Mr Koh’s notes on what is identity and I thoroughly agree to most of them. For one, identity requires active participation on our part. Ok, not about those crap that we choose who we want to be that I have mentioned-numerous-times-you-should-have-gotten-bored-by-it-if-you-are-normal (ahh, how do we define normal here?). What I wish to address here is the acceptance of other people’s identity.

However, firstly, we must have a common ground. Do you agree about identity having an active participation on our part? You do? Great! (too bad, no choice =p). Well, if this is what we all accept as identity, shouldn’t we too accept that each person’s identity is constructed as what he/she wants and chooses to be? *you nodding your head vigorously* Woah. I’m honoured to have such an obliging audience (talk about active participation huh). Thus, and lastly (ta-da!), this shows that how other people might choose to depict themselves to others is to be rightly accepted as their identity.

Great. Heh heh. What I am trying to point out here is that, we as people, should learn to accept others as who they are. This is not as trite as you think it sounds. I meant it more literally. Perhaps another example to illustrate my point. Lets just say this person “acts cute”. He/she (probably more suited for a she) is seen by others as acting cute, or rather, thought to be. Of course, we do not truly know his/her (probably more suited for a her) intention, whether it really is an act, or just simply natural. What I propose here is that people should not determine whether that characteristic of the person is natural or enforced, but simply accept it as their identity. As mentioned earlier, this is what they had chosen or wanted to be in the first place. Questioning its validity is not a job of yours should the other party not wish to reveal. This is how misconceptions originate too, by judging and attaching a value to a characteristic of the person without affirming its validity.

It is simply this “act here and act there”, that acting is just such a great ability of humans. It is also because of this that conflicts arises because of acting here and there. “You act one lah, I know.” Simple, straightforward and cut-throat to the point, also instigating.

For one, let us just forget about my reasoning, if it is worthy of any in the first place. Let us all learn to accept people as who they are, as what they choose to be identified as, and the world will be a much better place as a whole.

Again.

2006-08-31T22:27:00.000+08:00

Thank you. Sorry.

These two has been echoing in my mind these few days. The magical words, as our generation came to understand it. Simply, the only two words you need to learn in order to grapple human relationships. "Thank you" is a courtesy, meaning to express your gratitude and appreciation for someone. On the contrary, "sorry" is an apology, said to show your sympathy, or more commonly, your regret to something that has caused inconvenience or nuisance to someone.
Undeniably, the meanings of these 2 powerful words are there. However, nobody, and I mean nobody, ever says these words genuinely, no matter how sincere they are. Why do I say what I say? No. This is not meant a stab at anyone. But rather, I feel that there is more to these two words than just its signified.

Firstly, let us run through the purposes of these words. The user says thank you for the simple expression of gratitude, but seen from another perspective, subconsciously, he might be hoping to form a better impression on the opposite side, or perhaps, maybe even hoping to "make up" for the fact that he is being treated so nicely. He might feel guilty as he does not feel worthy enough for such preferential treatment, and "thank you" is said to make himself feel better, that he does not feel in arrears of whoever.

For the other case, the user says sorry to show his regret for intentionally/unintentionally causing inconvenience to the other side. However, seen from another perspective, he might be hoping to salvage the situation and place himself in a more favourable position by being seemingly more courteous. Then again, he could have said sorry, to feel better about having "apologized", "buying back" and releasing his pent-up guilt.

Ok, and if this so happens to be the purpose of saying these two words, what are the processes that made them "powerful" in my words? Basically, I think that it is due to a simple key element that causes people to accept "thank you" and "sorry" so willingly and let go. To put it nicely, it would be genuflection. To put it crudely, it is just subordination at its pit .

Let us explore the word "sorry" again. The user says sorry for his stated purpose as above, and on what grounds should the individual accept it? Yes, it is the signified behind the word, you may argue, however, as I have said, there might be more to it. By saying sorry, the user is somewhat debasing himself. He puts himself in a demeaning position relative to the individual. Here, the individual feels empowered, and he is prone to accept the "apology". The same goes for thank you.

Inadvertently, you might notice the slight affiliation the word "sorry" has with "inferiority". It sometimes carries with it the meaning of being inferior, and is usually associated with paltriness. The purpose of pointing out these elemental connotations related to "sorry" and "thank you", is not to discourage you guys to use them. What I want is to raise your awareness to what they might constitute, and not use them flippantly. Otherwise, even their intended meanings are lost in the process and these two powerful and useful words will cease to exist.

Of course, I hope the world could be a more innocuous place, and wish people are not such instinctive creatures, but I am working on the assumption that humans are innately self-centered, that everything they do are to their own advantage. For the sake of illustrating my point, it is crucial for me to break down the mechanisms of the thought processes, so do not take offence. Furthermore, I might just happen to be wrong, that the world is such an innocuous haven afterall.

And that is all, boys and girls. Thank you. ;)

His grace.

2006-08-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

Sigh.. I haven't blogged for a long time. Due to those stinking tests this week. Fail chemistry liao. Shouldn't even have studied for it in the first place lah. Just as yl says, we will still get an F. Either fail or full marks. Haha.

Found some great songs these few days. Kudos to wenshu. Haha. My sacrifice! By creed. Best man. Really like that song. It found the aesthetic emotion in me. Its just... just, that word! Ahh, an emotion that cannot be described. Reinstated my love for Mariah, maroon 5 and five for fighting, and creed!

Watched gattaca today. It's a nice show, a pleasant change. Its been rather long since I've last viewed a futuristic show. Gene discrimination. Indeed. I liked that part when Vincent challenged his brother on who could swim furthest from the shore. When he won again, his brother asked him how he did it. "You want to know why? Because I never saved anything for the swim back."

Come to think of it, it holds true. True success only come when one works for it, gives it his all, while everything else. With no tie-downs, one could risk everything on the throw a dice, and by some serendipitous occurrence, strike gold. Like, who knows?

On second thoughts, maybe I should buy the VJ jacket. At least it gives me a common identity.

revisiting.

2006-08-12T22:25:00.000+08:00

When I was young. I used to be really afraid of the dark. My mum and sis would chide me for being a coward, for even walking along that familiar corridor in my house with the lights on, I dared not. The blackened rooms along the brightly lit corridor seem to exude an ominous aura, like something, if anything, would leap out and grab me, then drag me into that cell of darkness.

My mum used to call one of it the "guest room", one which I used to be the most afraid of, and might also have played a significant role in stimulating my active imagination. Funny. Imagine an uninvited guest lurking in that room, not to be seen but felt, who might seize you any moment. So childish, you say, but not to me back then. Why? Because I was afraid of the unknown. So, it was this uncertainty of the unknown, that made me fear for naught.

You could credit it to the hyper-imaginative me, being ever so paranoid at the slightest feel. I realised that this has got much to do with the state I am in. fear? I don't know. Therefore, I seek to avert from any media that might cause me to awaken such states of paranoia, of fear, of trepidation or whatever. Simply because it is unnecessary. Such negative emotions are of no function worthy to be stimulated, as they are unfavourable.

However, nowadays at night, I walk into the dark rooms occasionally, which is a good sign that I've grown out of it. Not to indulge in those states of fear, but rather to commune with this space which had enriched and enhanced my childhood experiences. I sit, stand, and sometimes stroll around that black room, a bed in the centre. Sometimes I lean on its window, glimpse the star-studded night scenery and day dream. Other times, I lie on the bed and close my eyes, listening to the beautiful silence while it sings its monotonous tunes, and yet, never gets bored with it. I don't know why I do that. Perhaps hoping to capture that creature which played hide and seek with me in the old times. Perchance, to rekindle those fond memories when I was afraid of it then. Or another of a higher purpose, to feel with it, integrate and be engulfed as I lie in its place, as we coalesce into one.

Though so, who knows, maybe just for the thrill of it, I don't know.

That dark dimension. (of no purposeful allusion)

something out of nothing.

2006-08-05T21:05:00.000+08:00

Ah...i can't just keep running away. Ok fine fine fine. Stop bothering me. I'll admit, ok? I'm growing dumber.

My memory is failing me, and I just cannot seem to connect with things around me. What in the blue hell is wrong with me? Nothing. Ah yes! Nothing, the essence of Something. Precisely! Nothing is happening to me! I'm nutting! Shit. I'm just a nut case. I'm just a freak. Heh heh. Don't come near me. I'll eat you up! First, I'll crack you like a nut. Then I'll crunch the insides of you. Scared now? Now run as far as you can before you get nutty! I'll give you a nut of a second.

Oh no. A nut of a second. That's the amount of time I take to chomp a kernel. And a kernel is something! Yes! I'm becoming Something. What is Something? It's some thing. What a thing is that Something? It must be big. It must be Something. But there is something about Something that I can't figure out. And what is that something about Something?

Damn. I'm getting nowhere. Eh? I'm getting Nowhere? Yay. I'm going to Nowhere. Now where is Nowhere. Can anyone tell me?
"Taxi! Taxi! I want to go Nowhere! Do you know how to get to Nowhere?"
"Sure thing! Nowhere is the easiest place to get to. Hop in!" Hmm. If Nowhere is so easy to go, Nowhere must be somewhere.

Somewhere? Did anyone say Somewhere? Interesting. Now I'm going Somewhere? Thought I was getting to Nowhere. Oh yay! Now I'm going Somewhere! Where is Somewhere? Somewhere must be somewhere around.
"Taxi! Could I get to Somewhere instead?"
"Somewhere? Where is somewhere?"
"You ask me? That's why I hired you in the first place you nutcase!"
"Hmm. I see. But I have to warn you. Somewhere is that hardest place to go to."
Oh no. Somewhere must be something to be so hard to get to.

Something? I thought I thought of Something just half a minute ago. Now I'm back to Something? Shit!
"Taxi! You brought me to the wrong place! I told you to get to Somewhere, not Something! You deaf?! I've got some ear-sticks if you want! But goddamn, I've got nothing else!"

Nothing? I thought i was thinking of nothing just a minute ago? now I'm back to...

And there we go again, as we swirl, as we whirl, as we twirl, in this beautiful little world.

reformation.

2006-07-25T21:21:00.000+08:00

yes. and as you have guessed, it's a brand new look. i feel it's time for a reform, and i chose this skin. really nice, and cool, but rather unlike me. oh. and it makes me feel like a design from somewhere. any guesses? no prizes! yes. thought it looked like that nokia phone, don't know wad brand. haha. anyway, after many minor edits, this is it! hope you guys like it, cos i do.

shift those gears.

Very Important Post.

2006-07-23T22:05:00.000+08:00

Haha. well yeah. I think I shouldn't leave that last post there for too long or it will seem like I'm still brooding over the sickening subject of friends. Err. I haven't been thinking much these few days, and even if I had, it just gives me a headache. And my mum's ranting about financial matters again. I wonder whether we are trapped in this poverty cycle thingy or just that it sets out to hunt us. Makes me think of that line in Harry Potter. "I don't go looking for trouble, trouble just finds me!" Whoops. Maybe I shouldn't leak any of these low class bits and pieces lest friends look down on me. Life is meant to be gone through with poise and posture. People are to maintain dignity and self esteem at all times. God. I can't type. Just leave me alone!

Ok. This train of thoughts is leading nowhere. Subdue the negative emotions in me. Calm down. Give me that power, say. Good. Yes. Tomorrow's helmsman. My first lesson on hip hop. I suppose its gonna be fun, or at least interesting. It's getting hot in here...so take off.. and I do not need to continue. Hahaha!

I've been thinking over what on of my schoolmates have said. Let me recall. "I think VIP is just a conspiracy by the government to waste some of the overcharged taxpayer's money." And mind you, he is in IP too. Which come to think of it, it seems quite true. Suddenly, I feel so guilty just to be in this programme.

Personally, I do not see the need to learn hip hop nor aromatherapy etc in helmsman. Everybody reckons that it is just to while away time, while the real stuff starts in the afternoon, which is why it ends so late in the first place. I would even consider our lessons somewhat slack as compared to our pitiful sec 4 peers who are mugging as if there is no tomorrow for fear of not getting into good JCs, and here, we are sitting on our fat asses the comfy sofas and air-conditioned classrooms complaining about what we haven't yet have. I heard that the teachers are even petitioning to the principal to lighten our workload (and maybe theirs)! It is just screwed up. Everything. If what my friend says is true, it just makes me feel in the wrong, and I'm sure everyone will feel the same way too. It would be my joy to disagree with this perception of IP.

Ok. But I know I shouldn't take this blase and bias view and base everything upon it. Let's just say that this is an experiment. Yes, and it is an unanimous fact that we are the pigs here. We are the lucky and selected few. The Chosen Ones? And the programme is here to make us all rounded students be it mind or soul. So the government will just wait and see whether these well-beings would lead us to anywhere in the future.

Sigh. I'm not doing a good job of covering my one-sided view. Well, just let it be. What others say will inexorably hamper us. Maybe I shouldn't think about this. Yes. That will be it. How come I always say this and brood over unopened coke? Sigh. Nono. Too much sighing is detrimental. Hahahahahaha. Funny, sigh.

Hip hop or muay thai anyone?

She's a mystery.
She's too much for me.

indulgence.

2006-07-14T22:04:00.000+08:00

God has blessed me with a wide array of emotions, just like everyone else, though I'm starting to suspect that he accidentally added some extra catalysts. Whenever I feel a particular emotion, I feel them very strongly, be it like anger of a raging fire or love of inexpressible calmness. However, I've learnt to douse the fire of anger and put in motion the poetry of love. Still, it is evident in me, as I go through my daily activities. I was hyperactive when I was young, and I am still now. Emotions trickle and divulge from my eyes and expressions like nobody's business. The advantage of feeling strongly, gives you a strong cause for anything you are rooting for. Still, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

I make friends easily, though I would not say the same for the other.
I feel sad
when friends ignore me,
when friends look down on me,
when friends see me as a pest,
when friends make use of me,
when friends run from a simple favour,
when friends turn away,
when friends treat me as goods,
when friends talk behind my back,
when friends don't trust me,
when friends backstab me,
when friends betray me,
when friends just fucking pretend to be my friend for the sake of entertaining the naive me.

I feel sadness for all of them. You know why? Because I just realised that those people above are not my friends at all, nor are they fit to. Since young, I have innocently believed that everyone I have rapport with, are my friends. Maybe I haven't heard of the word acquaintance till then. Oh yes, and not to forget credit goes to the over-enthusiastic and bubbling chemicals in my body that just spells out EMOTIONS. Damn you.

I pay much attention to friends around me, for I'm happy simply by the fact that they are there. They make my life less lonely, as I make theirs. Maybe too much involvement in this "friendship" bond leads to a disturbance in the quiet nature of dynamic equilibrium.

Whatever you give should be equal to that you receive, and if you give more, you should receive more, that is, logically speaking. However, it doesn't seem so in the case of attention. In the giving and receiving of attention, it could be said to be inversely proportional. You pay little attention to your surroundings, you receive more. You give equal attention, you receive equal. As you give more than enough attention to your surroundings, you receive less. Why is this so???

I figured that it works on the simple concept of scarcity/rarity. Gold is precious because its rare. Simple enough. Therefore, your attention is craved when you give little of it, and you receives more attention from others. Conversely, if you allow free flow of attention to your surroundings, the value of your attention is depreciated. The extra attention you give is unnecessary, leading to people's feeling of irritancy towards you.

Well, I suppose I've been giving too much. People thus take me for granted and I do not give a damn.. you motherfuckers.

Enough said.

No, I don't think bad words are cool.
I just feel degraded, and might as well just be.

time to kill.

2006-07-08T21:27:00.000+08:00

Back. Ytd's invigorate was indeed invigorating. Battles fought fiercely, cheers filled the air, emotions running high. Dementors would have their Candy Empire here. The results were not too disappointing, and could still be said to be rather unexpected in a way. Guys basketball 2nd and girls were not too bad too. What I was impressed of is that most of the people in our class attended and cheered everyone on. Whatever that happened, the thing was that we did our best, and we all noe that. As for floorball guys, all the best man. We can do it!

The dinner was not too bad, haha. We had fun in the cap ball game in the 7th level again. Thanks to lq for buying the ball for that special occasion anyway. Today we went to marina to watch superman. I have to say that the show was quite disappointing, doing away with those cool special effects and the trademark quote: "I'll always be around". I dint really like the story line, and there wasnt quite an ending. It would have been better if the boy helped his dad in his quest to save the world. Looked around for a while. And we also went to candy empire! Haha. I swore not to buy any sweets there, and kept to that, but bought loads of chocolates though.

On the way home in the bus, as I was staring at the blurry lights speeding past, I started to think of the past. The past, present and future, the 3 ever so inaccessible passages of time. I realised that the past is the only entity in the universe that will never lose its place in this world. It will always be there, whether to haunt you or as a memory for you to relish. As I am typing this post, who knows what the future has in hold for me, and possibly, others might use any records I have left in my life against me in the future (lets just say I had too much a dose of John Grisham). The existence of the past have been a blessing, and yet a curse.

I feel its unfair that the past should be used as a measure against or for a person in the future. The future holds too much for us, as we are molded to what we are in the present. What has the past got to do with the present? The only moment of time which is accountable for who you are, is the present. Judge me by who I am now, not who I was then. Dare to say that, dare to do that. And so, as you read this post, I am gone, just like the wisps of smoke, just like the surge of currents, just like the caress of the wind, with the flow of time. As I am here, I am gone there.

All I know, it starts with me.
But its just so unreal.

for that special touch.

2006-07-02T21:32:00.000+08:00

Sigh. Think I shall not leave the last post there on my blog for too long lest people who do patronize might suffer a shock. Ok, I will reveal the true meaning of the last masterpiece lest people misunderstand.

Actually, there is another motive for posting such a (controversial?) piece, and that is to gauge how people might react to such posts on a blog. We are relatively ok with issues concerning govt, sch, teachers, class politics and stuff, but people tend to stray from subjects such as sex and race, though I would not dare bet on race taking into consideration the recent events. Frankly, I did hesitate on posting that one, but after all, its an analogy, and I was hoping people will see that. The piece was already rather "soft" in another sense. Haha. Anyway, not much reaction, except one, which is a rather surprising statistic. Thought people would start saying im sick and blah blah. But they would be hypocrites as they interpreted it that way.

And yup! Tada! Not sure if they got it, but it seems like leon and margaret guessed it right, congrats! Yes, the bang! part was rather significant. Its my air rifle! And dun be sick by thinking that im fantasizing of it that way. It came to me during my training when I was thinking of the rifles being our wives. I would think it of a girl friend though. Haha. Then I thought of the routine steps of loading the rifle and thus the analogy.

Ok. So the first part was just patter, directing your attention to what you might see it to be.
Sliding the hand along the rifle, stopping at the perfect stop, which is the trigger.
Mysterious smiles and stuff are just what the rifle might feel, the anticipation of the event of firing. The sick part of pulling and pushing is the lever that I have to apply pressure to, and for a fact, you do really hear the rifle suck air in and gasp. Hahaha.
Loading and filling as you have already guessed, would be the loading of the bullet into the gun. Embracing it is interlocking it with my shoulders and lifting it and getting ready to aim.
And yes, looking through her eyes, is the process of looking through the sighter.
Alas, finding the right place in her heart is getting the correct sight relation.
Bang! And that, I do not have to explain right? Haha.

Yup. Basically that. I felt I got all the procedures right, and it fits perfect with the analogy. So you cant deny it's a good one, haha.

All cleared?

Romance of the 2 eternities.

2006-06-28T23:27:00.000+08:00

"Awakened?" I asked.
"Yes." she softly murmured, as she gazed back at me.
I slid my hand along her slender body and she braced for that special touch.
Then, I stopped at that perfect spot, not too near nor too far, just in the middle.
She knew wad I was going to do, smiling that mysterious smile that only she has.
I pulled hard, and I could hear her sharp intake of breath.
Then I pushed, forcing myself down till the end, and she gasped just at the right moment.
I loaded her, filled her, as I lifted her up and embraced her tightly.
I gazed into her lovely eyes and asked whether she was ready.
Again, that smile that I could never miss.
And I knew I had found the right place in her heart.
Bang!
And all was silent...

HAHA! My greatest and most seductive masterpiece till now. Its an analogy for all who are still wondering/wandering. Can you guess who that was?

i might explain this in a later post. on a second thought, or might not. k. keep guessing!

feel how i feel inside. could you?

2006-06-14T20:54:00.000+08:00

Ahhhh.. this holiday. Been a really great and relaxing one. But when a holiday is great and relaxing, it is at the same time boring. Been taken to reading books and playing com to entertain myself. Read 2 books already. The vanished man by Jeffrey dunno-wad..and the hitch-hikers guide to the galaxy, which is a great laugh and super lame. Kudos to god(zc) for giving me that book for my last birthday. Felt so sorry for myself that I dint bother to read it till the point of my life during my foremost boredom. Here is an extract..

"The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. The marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as 'your plastic pal who is fun to be with!'
The Hitch-hikers guide to the galaxy defines the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who will be first against the wall when revolution comes', a footnote to the effect that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking over the post of robotics correspondent. Curiously enough, an edition of The Encyclopedia Galactica that had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were first against the wall when the revolution came."

Hahaha. Ok fine. Its not very funny. The haha was just for contempt. Well, this just shows how much it takes to entertain me in such despondent times of boredom. Anyway, the above was an excerpt of the book, and just to add, how lame it is. And then theres like " 'Computer, what evasive action can we take?' said some alien. 'er, none, im afraid guys. Nice knowing you all' said the computer."

There is a storyline of course, and there is a really funny character, a manically-depressed robot who is fifty-thousand times smarter than man, analyses the make-up of atomic particals to while away time, counts five hundred and ninety seven thousand million sheeps before falling asleep a second later. Really crazy storyine saying earth is ruled by mice and that we are the processor of this super computer, earth, finding the meaning of life, the universe and everything, as they put it.

And thats just the first of the series. There are supposedly five books. Oh yay. I just finished a book review. I dunno wad the hell I did this for. But since I have done it, might as well post this. Shit. Just emphasizes my no-lifelessness...

Thanks ah. Embarking on my mission to ask for the other four books from god.
Ironic, the fact that we are ruled by mice and im asking the next chapter from god.

Leaping the ivy.

2006-05-26T22:23:00.000+08:00

Yes! A week flew past just like that. Yeah man. 2 more days before im flying to US. Im really really excited lah. Just hope that the next week wun past as quickly as this week...haha! and taekwondos comp is tmr. Im already experiencing the jitters. Hope we can win the gold again. But its not as if the VJ community look up to us. We are like fighting our way through bitterly.

Ahh. Results! I think I did fairly well. This semesters results will be my motivation to go all out for the end of year exams! I wanna see myself beat my own score! I have to say I am rather happy cos I can proudly announce I had 4 A1s! happy me. I noe that out there, lots of others thrashed me like shit, but so long as I thrashed myself, im satisfied. Haha. I will continue thrashing myself man. See me!

Went to watch da vinci with 3 of my old good friends today. It was way past the 2 stars given lah! I think it really depicts the storyline well, though they did cut out some unnecessary parts, like the divine number thingy I was hoping to see them explain. And the props and cinematography were fantastic. Best of all is the controversy behind it. Seriously, its somewhat convincing that Jesus might have had a wife. After all, he was once a man, a great prophet. Then again, alas, this is just a gospel. Oh, and the ending is stunningly elegant and beautiful! I would recommend it to all who do not see offence to it. My rating? 4 stars over 5! Mighta given 4 and a half.

Quite strangely, you would expect your old friends to change in one way or another meeting them a year later, but mine did not. They said I changed though. I dun like it when people say I have become different. Simply because I thought, I am still me. But of course, who would not say that. Change is inevitable. Change also always acts subtly, lurking in the corner of your fated destiny, coming in action every now and then, quietly, sneakily, unsuspectingly. These small unnoticeable changes are glaringly obvious for those who have only your past in their memory. The new you is just erm..new! yup.

Let me tell you this. Every interaction you have in life, affects what you decide in your future. Even by mentioning the word fries to you, makes you imagine them, for those more expressive, you can even smell them, taste them. Although you may pass it off as a passing comment, it will still be imprinted in you. Thats why when you hear music and do your work, your concentration might be hard on the piece of paper grounded before you, but nonetheless, when someday you decide to sing the song, you feel yourself very much more familiar to the lyrics and melody.

Some choices you make, its like a dice you roll. You make that choice, on the spot, at the moment, and on impulse. Im not talking bout those obvious choices like whether you choose to eat abalone of shit, but those arbitrary ones like whether john or tom is a better prefect to vote for, when you dun even noe them. Your friends tell you that tom is kind, others tell you that john is crude. As it is your friends, you tend to trust them, belief them and let your guard down. The image of a kind tom is formed in your mind. So even when you tell yourself, I must make an objective decision based on my observations of the candidates themselves, you will nevertheless be swayed by these unconditional judgments. Sigh... pitifully, it always happens. Even more saddening, is that people do not realize it.

Please note that every time I type something like this, I want to bring your attention to how things might work. internally in this superficial daily routines we as humans go through. I am not trying to attract your attention or as the Chinese proverb says, yu3 bu4 jing1 ren2 shi4 bu4 xiu1. I just hope that we all realise that we are always affected by our environment, no matter the state of mind. Even being skeptical about something is not truly the objective position, but taking a stance in addressing an issue with a negative view.

What you want to see, you see.
What you want to feel, you feel.
What you want to be, you be.

liberated. in a sense..

2006-05-15T20:54:00.000+08:00

Everyone seeks for attention. For no one wants to be that bereft lorn being that walks their lonely path.

Giving attention is one of the greatest acts one being could do for the other. I do not mean that as paying attention, thats why its phrased 'giving' attention. Giving, has always been known as a noble act, usually related to sacrificing, but here, its just as simple as lending. All you have to do, is to lend a listening ear, borrow an understanding nod, and empathize the lonely soul.

There are many types of lonely people out there. They crave for attention and understanding. They fulfill them in forms of relationships, confidents, friends and even prayers. Please do not misinterpret and assume that lonely souls are sad souls. Everyone is born lonely, till they go through the bonding process where they can share their troubles, fears, ideas, happiness, craze...and look! Theres not only sadness in these people!

I realised that this fulfillment people receive through prayers, plays a large role in bonding them ever so closely to their religion. For they believe they are heard, they are given attention to by solely God, and for that, the concept of religion have survived till this day. Believing that one is heard is enough to convince them that they are not lonely. God is mute, and all He does is listen. He does not give advice, nor answer your problems, but rather, He keeps quiet, encouraging you to search within yourself for the answer.

But for me, I am no longer lonely! I have my friends to thank of course, and there is also another one that I would like to personally convey my gratitude, blogger! For here, I can say what I want to say, and the whole world's listening! Isnt that much better? My dear listening ear, wad would I do without you. My precious tag-board too. Here, I am acknowledged and convinced of my existence. Though only the one in my reality is acknowledge...people ignore me here.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAN YOU HEAR ME SHOUT MY ANGUISH, MY FURY, MY FRUSTRATIONS, MY JOYS!!!
(echo echo echo echo echo.............................................)

For I am no longer lonely.

think about it.

2006-05-11T22:01:00.000+08:00

Ah. Im feeling so much pressure. Having commitments to two CCAs, projects hmwrk and stuff. Teachers are not about to let us go away un-hmwrked either. Goddamn!! Been a long time since I have last used that word. Hmm. But im happy we finished the physics project much earlier than the other groups. Been spending my time slacking in classroom playing weiqi if I dun have any hmwrk.

Weiqi is super fun man. Now on my favourite strategic games list, its ranked first. Then followed by my long time passion that got me into VJ, Chinese chess. Damn long time since I played that game too. Hope my skills aint too rusty. Oh. And English chess is third. Not too bad. Then maybe the rest of other card games like bridge and stuff.

Weiqi is fun because it involves a lot of predictions on opponents moves. There are like 19 X 19 of possible moves to make for each move you make. So the total possible arrangements of black and white seeds you might get in a game is 361 P 361 (maths fail, I anyhow count one, where got so easy). thats crazy man. But of course, once you get use to the different playing styles, there are certain moves that you know you should make, so theres some form of pattern recognition involved too.

Oh. And I have this feeling that whatever I write in my blog is rather harmful to peoples impression of me in my reality. People in my reality who come to view this virtual me feels that its not the me they noe in reality. I think, they think I think (for dramatic effect) too much. Then, they take my thoughts as though its wad I declare to be myself.

Actually, I consider myself a rather liberal person to be daring enough to reveal my thoughts about this world im being borne into. Be it positive thoughts, or negative thoughts that are unaccepted in our asian culture and values that we are brought up with. I think we ought to question these values and go through this vital thinking process on why we think they are "right". We should not just live through them just because people from centuries ago have already determined this set of values.

Ok. No crapping. Oh. I realize that being mature is a rather boring thing. you noe why people are mature? Lemme take you through this controversial perspective of maturity that might just change your mind to become mature. Hahaha. Be prepared for a long read, if not stop here. Proceed if you dare.

Let me start off with this. Do you noe that in all adults, there is actually a child in them? No! not that they are pregnant! Haha. There is this "childish" (which seemingly mature people like to use to describe such behaviour) behaviour in all of us. I noticed this when I worked at the drinks stall last Christmas. When the aunties gather together to chat, they gossip and giggle and stuff. they mix and play with the ingredients, and even try to think of ways skip their schedule! Of course I wasnt involved. I just look and pretended to show them respect while lol-ing, rofl-ing, guffawing in my heart.

There! the quintessence of "childish" behaviour. And mind you, they have children as old as me! Haha. oh. Dun get the misconception that I approve using the word "childish" to describe such behaviour. Immature may be appropriate, though there are some negative connotations of childish being attached to it. Try thinking of this behaviour in an objective manner, as objective as how you view the "mature" word.. its not bad.. its in all of us. Its just how often we show it.

Ok. Here is the start of my thoughts about this. Hahaha. Bet you are going..OMG. just the start! Lol. Its ok.. dun you want to noe the reasons behind such a quirky behaviour? ahahaha. Anyway, lets start with an analogy. As we walk along the path of life, meeting obstacles and rocks and stones and continue to stone...(cliche), we get more and more bored, at the same time, we become more and more experienced too. We learn to kick the stones away rather than step on it, trip and fall. We learn to pick up shiny stones which may somehow be diamonds, and learn not to mistake a cowardly tortoise as an intricate designed stone. Ok..being rather lame here. Nxt part!!!

So, as we progress along this road of life, we become more and more mature. "How!!!???" you ask me. Ok. Its this pattern recognition thing again. Firstly, we becoming more and more experienced in presenting ourselves to reality. We put on this mature attitude to mask our childish behaviour, so as to distinguish ourselves from the rest of the immature people and to be more appealing to the senses of others. Slowly, more and more people realize the benefits of this and start putting on their maturity mask too. Here, im suggesting a rather controversial concept that maturity is not innate, starting from the teenage years, but rather a sort of social phenomena that starts due to social pressure.

Secondly, this may be due to the fact that we are bored with life, thats why we become more mature. As we go through this routine cycle in our life, we become more and more bored by it that we lose our interest and enthusiasm in it. That is why maturity starts years later from the day of birth. Ah. Maturity is about being cool in reacting in certain situations (cool as wad I described in one of my earlier posts). That because we lose enthusiasm, lose kinetic energy and vibrate less energetically giving the cool feeling man. Woah!!! Hahaha. Im being super lame here..

Yah. Basically these are my two creative reasons of why maturity exists. Of course there are much more contributing factors like being more knowledgeable and stuff, but these are wad I feel should be added on as contributing factors too.

If you were somewhat or somehow offended by this post, its alright. Maybe because I have delved too deep in the depths of maturity that you feel its unjustified that I should unveil and label it as stuff such as social phenomena. Breathe in, breathe out. Yeah man. Cool...

Longest post?

its a yay.

2006-05-09T20:52:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since I last blog. Hiya. Com spoil lor. Wad to do. Anyway there were nothing particularly interesting this week. So I wun have blogged anyway. Today was exhausting. Did our physics project all in one go. Both report and video. In 5 + hours lah. Man. Glad im done with it.

I still have lots of hmwrk left. Lang arts task, Chinese and maths. Though I dun think I will do the other 2 besides lang arts. Ah. Im feeling sleepy. Must be because last night stayed up watch the election bah.

Felt the results were quite unexpected. I expected a close win by the PAP, though 66.6% isnt exactly close, although their votes did drop by 8% compared to the last election. Maybe the people are feeling more confident that their votes are secret after all. Haha. Workers party of course claimed the majority of the opposition votes as expected, and the 2 opposition MPs retained their place, so did the other PAP MPs. Sian. Nothing new lah. Hope the nxt election would be more interesting. When I get to vote. =)

Come to think of it, there was something worth mentioning after all.

Ytd night had been raining really heavily at my place. I wanted to feel the coolness of the plundering rain, thus I extended one of my hands through the window grills, outstretching it fully.

The heavy rain poured over my arm and washed it thoroughly, mercilessly. I glanced at my arm. In a sudden, I felt that it is a separate body from me. My arm does not belong to me. I am not like that.. not that...no. I have not lost my sense of touch, I know it is wet and cold but yet, there is something incomprehensible about it. Somehow, it just seems to me like its... there. I cant describe it again. That object. Shiny grey under the dim lighting of the moon, solidified and hardened under the pounding of the rain, is lifeless. Am I like that? Am I? I tried to detach myself from that object. That me, isnt me. Maybe my body isnt me at all. How? Why am I attached to such a superficial reality?

Anyway, I was flooded with conflicting thoughts again. And mind you, I nearly drowned.
Wait. Is this something worth mentioning to you? Nah. There take it as another piece of my crap. Well, your crap is my precious, just as your wine is his poison.

sigh.

for all.

2006-04-27T21:14:00.000+08:00

This birthday of mine has been rather extravagant and pleasant. Maybe its because its my sixteenth. Ah. Time for a long thank you speech.

Firstly, I would like to thank all those that wished me a happy birthday on Sunday and Monday. It made my day lively, made me feel wanted, and gave me a reason to live for all those that acknowledge my existence.
Then, I would also like to thank jiayi, daryl, margaret, sarah, ruiqi and wuyue for the olive black headphones which, oblivious to those who bought it, had a pink line, though I like it all the same. ;) Haha.
I would personally like to thank leon, who bought me a cool black wallet when he realised my old wallet had a hole, being ever so thoughtful.
A big thank you to nick and lq for going to all the expense just to get a pair of shoes for me, adidas roc-ka-fella, which I appreciate greatly. Limited edition, just like our friendship. =)
Oh. And a thank you to wenshu for a special mention of my alias on his blog, wishing me a happy birthday. Bolded with highlights, as colourful as our days are together in the same group(thrice). Haha.

Lastly, I would like to thank my family.
Thanks to my mum, for buying two delicious chocolate cakes just for this special occasion, and organizing my birthday celebration, even planning to rent a chalet for that day.
My dad, for buying me a nice metallic digital watch that I cannot bear to wear. Made me regret I lost my temper on his birthday last year and did not give him any present.
A thank you to my sis, who big-heartedly forgot our past little tiffs and generously bought me a billabong wallet.
Thank you to both my aunties for giving me hong baos wishing me well.

Huff. Alas. A long list that made my day. Once again, thank you very much to all above, to make this my best birthday ever!

Come crashing.

one more time.

2006-04-24T22:03:00.000+08:00

Oh. Thanks to you guys out there who bought me the earphones! I have re-founded my interest in music again. And dido rocks man! I feel so high and yet calm today. Did the Chinese in one go. Only left physics. Yay!

Yes. Alas im sixteen. And as nick likes to put it, have some fun. Hahaha. Yeah. But I dint really have fun on Sunday. Just went out to some restaurant with my family. The food was quite nice. Haha. Really looking forward to the day when I can display my IC proudly and buy some NC 16 stuff. Lol~. Though I surely wun go for another final destination ride. Hah.

Woah. Im seriously losing myself in the music man. Ah. Quite ironically, I was quite sad on my birthday. I remember why. Cos there were 2 news in the Sunday papers that described the life of an RJC girl and one of a dying man. I was quite touched after reading them. I mean, if you really want to make a sad sequel, just speak of the last days of a guy knowing that he would be gone soon after. Reminds me of the last show of mediaworks where Adrian pang was diagnosed with a disease that he is to die in 6 weeks time.

Speaking of which, what would you feel if you were about to die? I really wonder. I wouldnt be able to stand that blistering sadness, that over-boiled pressure, all the things that ought to be settled, let go, and have not been. I would just kill myself man. Its like another article in the newpaper where a man was wrongly diagnosed with HIV and he killed himself for that. Tsk. What a waste.

But what can I say. We all face the same monster at the end, its just, when IS the end. And I notice a trend, everyones talking bout death sadness and blah blah. Must be teenage angst, as daryl puts it. Come on everyone, lets add a "haha". Smile everyone, we wun die too early. =)

(shit. Im one year closer to my death.) =(

Inspired to stand.

it's been a long day coming.

2006-04-19T21:46:00.000+08:00

Yes. I shall use ws word. This week is so shag. I am like slacking all the time. Not that I need more hmwrk. Hah. Must be the week for us to catch our breath after the long run doing bio here and there. And I found a very interesting way to entertain myself. How do you best describe your handphone number? Eg. 91234567. hahaha. Type them in using dictionary. Most numbers would produce some Italian-spanish-japanese-like sounding words. If it ends up in a ?, then you are sway lor. Haha.

Hmm.. recently, I have been finding myself more absorbed in songs without words. Appreciating the music in melody is like savouring the flavour of the song, eating the essence of birds nest. The lyrics acts to provide an explanation or story for the coming of the melody. Yes. you may find deep-seated emotions from the lyrical part, as it might trigger a touching memory or provide some entertaining imagination on your part.

When you plug the ear phones into your ears, you want to feast on the sensual gratification that it may provide for your sense of hearing, the sounds. Music began as pure as the waves crashing on the shore, yet ended up as the city beats knocking on my door.

...and long will it last.

i see.

2006-04-14T15:48:00.000+08:00

Yesterdays class outing was great. Who would have thought we would be playing captains ball in a carpark one day? Haha. Its been more than a week since I last blogged. Busy week you see. I dun think others have updated too. And my tagboards stagnant. Sad. Less motivation to blog more. Although I dun want to be affected by my tags, I inevitably will

Its quite a saddening week. Pressure from all sides. I will just be like a compacted cube the nxt moment. And good Fridays gonna be boring.. I cant stand it. At least gimme some hmwrk to do. Arggg! Its rainy too. Just go and hibernate. Lol. I have not been thinking much these few days. Wonder whether its because my minds too full of other things, or what.. Furthermore, I dun really feel like blogging nowadays. Too lazy to type. Hiya..

Nvm. Try to type this thought out. Ok. Do you know why bats are special? Not because they suck blood, cos not all do, but rather they navigate around using supersonic waves. High frequency sound waves. They are nocturnal animals, being active only at night. Another fun fact you ought to know is that, they are partially blind. Thats why they do not rely much on their eyes at all.

k. now, heres the thought. Can you imagine a world of sound? Can you picture and see in your mind this world of sound where you can fly around and navigate? Try closing your eyes and focus your awareness to the sounds of your surroundings. No matter how hard you try, you cant. And even if you try to picture a world of sound, your mental image would still be visual, maybe adding a little treble clefs here and there.

Vice versa, bats eyes are just like our ears. They see wad we hear. They can never imagine a world of such fine detail pictured visually, but in their own perspective, a melodious world of sounds. Our best navigation medium would be light, while theirs, would be waves and sound.

This example of mine, all boils down to the fact that we perceive reality base on our senses. Our senses make meaning out of reality. Reality is dependent on the observer. Does that make me a realist then?

Maybe one day, mankind would find a way to enhance all our senses, with our sense of smell as powerful as a dog, sense of touch as sensitive as insects, hearing as accurate as bats, and sight as acute as an eagle. What would reality be like then? Will you be for or against it?

I sense an ominous predicament of mankind...

tripping over myself.

2006-04-05T20:44:00.000+08:00

Im fuming now. Damnmit. Sometimes you do something out of good intention and it ends up to be interpreted badly. Stupid sis. Really really wanna say the f*** word lor. And my ******* student, shows no respect to me lor. I will just keep that smiley face for the sake of your mum man. I resign you gay boy! Too bad, you being the loser of the losers. Huh.

I really cant think straight now. Ok. Wait. Lets stop and reflect for the awhile. I dun want you all going off thinking im some petty maniac when you dun noe a single thing. Wadever I express in my blog is just my true and purest thoughts as I pass my days. Not me in reality. Just me and my expressions. Dun get it wrong.

Good. Im cooled. Like another piece of ice topped with oil. Ignition. Yes. Calm man calm.. k. (what do I have with ice?)

I had quite an interesting incident with some 7 eleven cashier, I felt worth mentioning. Simply, I went in and chose to buy a chocolate bar. Boost! Then I went to the cashier. she took it and tapped it on the reader. It was 1.60. Yes, I admit, its quite ex for a chocolate bar. Then she said: "Would you like to buy another chocolate bar? We are having a promotion. 2 dollars for 2."

Wad do you think? Its value for money right? That a chocolate bar only costs a dollar here, compared to one that costs 1.60. Somehow, I find this remotely familiar after todays boring workshop. K. Anyway, I chose not to buy another one. In my perspective, 1.60 is less than 2 bucks, and thats wad I care about, how I compare. Why do I need to buy another chocolate bar when I only want one? Does this work on the basis that I might want another one in the future?

Haha. And the funny thing is that, the auntie looked at my shirt and shook her head disapprovingly. Hahaha. She must have thought that I have failed maths, which is partly true. Lolz. The second funny thing is that, I still decided to buy another chocolate bar. I wonder whys that so. Hah. Anyway, I wanted to give that to my sis. Which just links this whole post to the first part.

Hahz. Thinking bout it gets me all worked up again. Fine. I shall end here. Gdnite.

Round and round we go.

dizzy dare.

2006-03-30T22:10:00.000+08:00

As I face this blank Microsoft word document, I wonder what to type. I wondered why you changed. I wondered about the gap filled up with unspoken silence that divides me from you. I wondered about the topics to converse, for the sake of sustaining a mere conversation.

And you keep quiet, like a cold dry piece of ice. I try to comfort you, to cheer you for whatever reason you are feeling sad for, but whenever I do, my hand sticks to your ice, drying the skin on my fingers. I wrench away. Slowly peeling the skin off to reveal my naked flesh. The pain, the heat, and the red drip. Blisters form, skin over flesh, torn, skin over flesh. I keep dry and cold, to maintain that cool harmony between you and me, waiting for those blisters to heal.

But I wonder. And wonder. For I was never some receptor to any emotion. I wondered why you remain that cold hardness within you, keeping slient as I wander aimlessly.

"You want to know? You really want to know?" You asked me. Of course. Anything to melt that ice. To soften that solid. To sog that dryness. Then you say. You say and say and say. You said till I didnt want to hear. You said till I regret wanting to know. You said till you soften that relentless beating rock in me.

Like I said, and I repeat. You have an unnatural talent (or is it natural) to unmask those with you. But with great powers comes great responsibility. For, in you I trust, and I hope, in me, you trust.

As I sit on this chair typing and ending this short little post, I wonder whether you are too, sitting beside me reading this post.

But im sure you will, because I will be there sitting beside you as you read this line. (freaking you out huh...)

The end.

who will sit beside me, as i sit in my rotating chair embarking on my dizzy dare.
"We're all we got in this world. When it spins, when it swirls, when it whirls, when it twirls."

i just want a happy ending.

2006-03-23T21:51:00.000+08:00

Emotions are strong tools. Tools? No. Feelings. Empathy, love, brotherhood, friendship. I realised that what I project to others, is what I want myself to be.
One for oneself, I always tell myself.
And thus, I am almost sure I will do anything for the elephant's tusk.
For I would kill, underhand, and a word that some people ban.
Backstab.

But for all I know, it isnt my innate nature to do so. But it is. Just that i'm too influenced from all those around me. Everyone is kind, loving, caring.
We help each other, lend hands for those who can't climb up the stairs.
We create memories, those that stays imprinted in our minds and we cherish.
We treasure moments, the ones that bond us ever so strongly like cement.
And we create emotions, feelings so strong that it justifies anything without deductions.

For all I know, its just me being weak. Me being too sentimental. I thought I would never be one, but it's in me, in you, to be.
Look, I cant even stand horror movies, let alone thoughts that I would ever kill a fren to get his cookies.
I cant even play the dice, for fear that I would risk my life, let alone backstab one's own.
I dunno who I am. Am I who I wanna be? Or am I who I really am?

For all I know, deep down in me, I just want a happy ending.

its there...

2006-03-19T21:52:00.000+08:00

I realised I haven blogged for long. and theres too many thought running through my head. I wonder how to type them down now. Fine. I shall just type another jerky post. So ladies and gentlemens, put on your seat belts and start your engines...

The first three days of this week was two camps. Both of my ccas. But I decided to go for the air rifle one as I was less familiar with the members there. Well, that was one wrong decision. Seems like im the only ip2 there. Damn awkward lah. Both Daniels pang seh lor. So I went through most of the camp stuck in the middle of ip1s and jc1s, alone, plus literally. Walking anywhere, I would be in the middle, two chattering groups behind and in front of me. Not that I dun want to socialise. They have their own cliques. Crap. Yah. One of my worse camps, but nevertheless, I got to know most of the members.

Speaking bout air rifle, I realised that its not exactly a sport. Rather, if its a sport, its a mental one. Totally. One day you get sparse groupings, the other you can just form a hole smack in the centre. Seriously. Its not all bout balance, stability and those crap, but rather wad runs through your mind when you pull that trigger. The difference is that when you put your eyes through the sighter, you find that it either hovers here and there or it remains still. Its all your mood and thoughts. But this is my weakness. like whenever I load the gun, there is this thought that keeps going through my head, that I MUST hit the target. Which you very well know that the more you think bout it, the less you will get it. The hesitancy in pulling the trigger, the fear in getting a stray shot, the breathlessness you get. God. You wun understand it till you try. Thats where your skills come in. shit, and im breathless now.

Whenever I think bout air rifle, it triggers an anchor in my mind that makes me jumpy nervous and sort. Damn. Triggers again. Shall not go into such mindless things. The people on my tagboard doesnt like them too much.

Ok. Heres my thought of the day. Do you think reality is the same for all or different? Well, I think reality is different for all of us though its individual itself. As in, its like chocolate. Its the way you experience eating chocolate that different from all of us. I've been thinking bout time. Is it possible that everyones going through a different time regime?

Sorry. Im one that cant express myself clearly. K. I shall try my best. For example, im going through a minute, 60 seconds. But my minute is longer than another persons perception of a minute. His minute, in my reality, is actually 30 seconds of mine. But in reality, we do the same things, pass the same superficial time. He went through his life thinking his minute is everyone's else minute, but in fact, he had a lifespan of nearly half shorter than me, assuming we died at the same time. This could also mean he had a much faster reaction than me, though in his reality, we both have the same reaction. This also applies to somebody whose minute is actually 2 of my minutes. Meaning that he had a slow reaction, thinking that its normal, that everybody's reaction in his reality is the same as him.

Get me? I think not. And its not another crazy theory of relativity if you are in some way thinking bout it. Try reading the above paragraph again if you are patient enough. Simply put, its jus another examples of the colours one. That I was born seeing blue as red, thinking blue was red, died thinking blue was red. Better? Haha. Personally, I dun think you get it. But nvm.

Basically, its the perception of reality thingy. If my hypothesis is true, then, mental limitations can be done away with. Its like your mind is limiting your physical abilities to get you in tune with the rest of the people in your reality. Do you know that the efficiency of your muscles are measured at 14-22%? Do you know that your brain only functions at 10%? The potential is great.

Its how you unleash it.

sinking.

2006-03-14T20:52:00.000+08:00

Oh yay. One supporter. But thats enough. Ok. Hypnosis is mainly talking to yourself till the brink of sleep. How well you induce hypnosis is how well you can imagine. There, your critical faculty is out of the way. Thats why dreams get so absurb sometimes anyway. So it simply means that your conscious becomes the one talking to your subconscious, selftalk if you like to call it. Like some people do when they get to sleep, they talk to themselves or maybe play memories of that day in their cinematic mind, till they get to sleep.

k. first of all, do not expect anything super of hypnosis. Its not like you talk to yourself and wonder if you are still dead or alive. And worry not that you cant wake, cos you can, even immediately, if you do it properly. Surprise surprise. Even the occasional twitching of your eyelid and swallowing, is normal. You will get more sensitive to the elements around your surrounding, and feel some parts of your body tingle slightly, like the tips of your fingers or back of your hand.. Cos your conscious is still there, not sleeping remember?

Hmm..finding it hard to type all in this one post. Ok, first of all, there are three main steps to self hypnosis, self relaxation. Hypnosis is all about relaxation, remember. There is self relaxation, auto suggestion and auto analysis. I shall just show you the self relaxation script lah.

This category itself is also separated into 3 catagories. For your mind to be truly at rest, you are dead. Joking joking. Bet that scared the wits out of you. Back to business, for your mind to be relaxed, your physical body have to be truly at rest. So firstly, physical relaxation, followed by eyelid relaxation, then body relaxation and last, mental relaxation.

Physical relaxation
Lay in a comfortable position in a quiet less distracting environment. You can play soft baroque music if you like, cos it slows your heartbeat and allows you to relax. Close your eyes. Take deep breaths, and as your exhale, allow yourself to sink deeper and deeper in your bed/chair. So deep like as if you sank right to the bottom of the cushion. You are protected and covered by the warmth of it. Take a deeper breath, and allow a wave of relaxation flow down the top of your head to the tip of your toes.

Eyelid relaxation
Place awareness to the muscles in your face, particularly your eye. Relax every muscle and nerve in and around your eyes to the point that they just won't work. When you are sure they are so relaxed, that as long as you hold onto this quality of relaxation, they just won't work, test them to make sure, they wont work. Once you have tested your eyes and found them not to work, you know that your unconscious imagination has taken charge, bypassing your critical faculty.

Body relaxation
Focus your attention on a point at the top center of your mind and take a deep relaxing breath, then as you release the breath imagine a wave of relaxation flowing from the top of your head, flowing through your body out the tips of your toes. Use your own methods of relaxation, or you could even imagine a warm molten liquid flowing down from the top of your head penetrating even blood vessel, to every muscle in your body, to your calf and to your toes... How comfortable.
Repeat this final step 3/4 times, doubling the relaxation every time.
You can say to yourself things like: I am relaxing all the muscles of my body. starting from my head to my feet. The muscles of my face and neck are relaxing. I'm beginning to feel free of all muscle tension. My arms feel limp and relaxed. The muscles of my thighs, legs, and feet are relaxed. As I breathe deeply and slowly, my entire body is completely relaxed. I feel calm and relaxed all over.

Now you are ready for the mental relaxation.

Mental relaxation
Begin slowly counting backwards from 100, repeating the word deeper, like this:100 - deeper 99 - deeper 98 - deeper... With the passing of each number, imagine pushing it away, out of your mind. By the time you reach 97, 96, or possibly 95, push all the numbers left out of your mind, completely banishing them. There are other methods of course, to a deeper level of mental relaxation, like jumping weightlessly into space, or imagine taking an elevator lower and lower into relaxation.

At this point, one can simply relax for a while, or a allow yourself to have a nice relaxing sleep. Here, you can install certain suggestions or even explore your subconscious, which we shall explore another time. Haha. This state is called trance. An even deeper hypnosis is called coma. Lolz. I know wad you are thinking, though it aint wad you are thinking. K. If you worry how you can get out of this trance, simple. Just as you get into this trance by counting down, you get out by counting too.

When you are ready, you tell yourself that now you feel refreshed and energized after this exercise. Start by counting from
5 - energy is flowing through my body..
4 - to your limbs, your muscles..
3 - you feel energized.. enervating.. rejuvenated!
2 - ready anytime you are my subconscious..
1 - back!
You can stretch your limbs and yah. There you go... hypnosis for you.

There are many free mp3 of hypnosis for lots of things. Phobias, self improvement, pain control, confidence boost and even tantra.. guess wads that. Haha. Dun wry. You cant die listening to something. I tried self improvement myself. i've uploaded one into my ftp account. you can download it here (right-click save target as).

deeper...

sleepy...

2006-03-10T21:56:00.000+08:00

Back to hypnosis. Quite fun. Once in a while, and it really helps you relax. Really recommend to all those who are reading my blog. Rid of all those cliches you heard. Calms your mind and helps you reconcile with your inner self. Its just like spiritual experiences or yoga mind techniques or wadever you call it.

So, through hypnosis, I found my inner being and what it resembles like. I haven really reach the stage where I can communicate with it, but only glimpse it. As an animal, I am a hybrid of a dog and a wolf. Something like hippogriff those type lah. I am supposedly to be able to communicate with it and find solutions to problems and questions of self.

But 'anti-climaxedly', I fell asleep. Cos I did my exercise on bed lah. In sleeping position summore. Too deep into trance that I slept. Lolz. Now I know why monks and people who meditates sit rigidly upright. So they dun fall asleep?

I have been thinking that as a wolf and a dog, what does it mean? What can it mean? Loyal but cunning at the same time? As eric puts it. Haha. Actually, we should not limit ourselves to socially constructed connotations of wolves and dogs. A wolf can be smart, a dog is dumb. Yet a wolf can be stealth and swift and a dog is alert and suspicious.

Then again, issit to imply that I am a wolf in disguise of a dog? Or maybe a dog in disguise of a wolf? Either way, I found out more about myself. Must give this matter further thought.

Oh, for those who wanna try it themselves, I will try to find the instructions for you. This is self hypnosis. Not some gay evil hypnotic master trying to control your mind. Its about peace and soul searching, even self improvement. I will post it on my blog nxt time if I can simplify it.

Soul searching...

i say you say i say you...

2006-03-08T21:37:00.000+08:00

Funny. Life is so funny. ROFL. LMAO. Hahahaha. Muahahahaha. Boohahahaha.

Actually, I dun really agree to the theory of induction. You cannot refute something by induction. In fact, you can practically refute everything based on the uncertainty of the future. This alone makes induction a weak refutation for any argument.

Induction is the basis for all predictions!

So, in this line, I have been thinking whether time is a factor for us to be getting closer to anything at all. If you dun get what I mean, heres an example. The more tries I have for shooting the ball into the hoop, the closer I am to shooting the ball in the hoop. True? False?

Its the same as saying the more times I buy 4D, the closer I am to winning the grand prize. Fine, not the grand prize, any prize. Do you think so?

In my opinion, I dun think so. And yet, according to maths, its true. If the probability is 1/5 to get a ball in, I will get the ball in by 5 tries. But no! I shall just use maths to refute this.

Every ball thrown should be seen in a totally new light. Every ball thrown has a probability of 1/5 of getting . SO, it does not mean that after five tries, you will get the ball in. Because, every ball thrown could just be the first ball of the five balls next, which aint gonna come, cos every ball is the first ball!

Conversely, this can also be used to argue that every ball thrown in could just be the 1/5th scoring ball! Yeah man.. this is called, on fire...

Yes, to you this is totally crap. But I like my way of thinking. I like myself.

And who says the moon reflects light? Why cant I see myself in it then?

the matrix veil.

2006-03-05T20:58:00.000+08:00

Yay. I did a tactful thing today. Which is great. But I aint gonna blog it, cos it wouldnt be very tactful then. But I feel sad. Being tactful makes me lie. Yes. Lying on the most trivial basis, like- I will give it more thought- when you have already decided.

Being emotionally intelligent makes reality so unreal. Everybody is hiding, yet present with the most unenthusiastic enthusiasm. Bad opinions veiled with the sweetest praise ever bestowed. What world is this? This, is the world of human relations.

But no. this is the world of FORMAL human relations. Informalities is just the other way round. It makes you cool, straight and forward. Thats where we have to take note of OB markers. Yes, you heard me. OB markers. Not in the context of taboos, but rather the censorship of criticisms that are deemed too hurtful even for friends.

Being a straightforward person just sucks. Nobody gives a damn to you. Constructive criticism is viewed as splat of mud while hurled abuse is seen as points-to-note. Is the world inside out or outside in? Well, rather similar to gravity and magnetic fields. Im toppled.

Bet nobody gets me till here. Im crazy. Leave me alone. Ever heard of blogging with emotions overflow?

I think its reasonable to say that at some point of our lives, some of us will turn into hypocrites, if not, all. Our perception of reality is subjective. What we say now might not be what we continue to say in a few years time. Change is the word, man.

Oh thats a new chapter. Till then.

Free flow. Yeah.

intake of breath.

2006-03-02T20:57:00.000+08:00

wah lau. today full day then got no class outing. sian. stupid welfare rep. organise something right? then at alas played basketball the whole day. and pathetically, only 5 people went to tm to watch movie.and even more regretful was that they chose a horror movie. and that i wasted 7 bucks. stupid movie.

i hate playing with my senses. i think thats dumb. we should just live life as it is and experience emotions as they are. first time watching an nc16 movie today. yet it must be a horror movie. spoils the whole occasion.

but yes, sometimes we choose to be dumb.

no thoughts today. so sad. need some ling gan. and i changed my destination choice from australia to us, which is very much more ex. im dead. nxt week also got three tests. ahhh. haven study for any of them at all. haven even completed my assignments.
hahz. full of crap. dunwan to blog such daily shit. btw, who's going US too?

milk pics.

Today is Hari Raya Puasa.

2006-02-28T20:46:00.000+08:00

Yes. Today is hari raya puasa. Have to offer apologies to many.

Sometimes, I feel I lack something. To others, I lack empathy. To myself, im just like a mimosa. Insensitive towards others and being a touch-me-not myself.
I hate that.
But I can change that.
But I will change that.
Rebutting at the wrong moments, making insensitive joke lines at the most awkward times.

Looking at the mirror, I realized how imperfect I am. As it seems, the closer I get to my reflection, the more imperfect I become. Similarly, the closer you get to others, the more imperfect you are to them. But this imperfectness, just tells you how close the your ties are together.

I used to think that people who hide their emotions become stagnant. They will have friends, but no close friends. How nice it fits. No wonder people hide themselves. They do not want to be too close. They do not want to clarify the imperfectness of theirs. A wise choice, to cloak the spikes, ripples on the sparkling surface of blurry water.

Should i? In the past, I chose to be formal to specific people. But maybe I should. To all.

Yes. Today is hari raya puasa. Have to offer apologies to many.

To those I have offended and accidentally stepped on, literally or not. Another sincere apology to someone who noes I ought to.

No more punch lines. Maaf.

The archive of fate.

2006-02-26T20:32:00.000+08:00

Today is boring. Yesterday was boring too. You know why? Cos I did my homework and studied for maths. Though not yet completed. So this means that tmr will be boring too.....
p.s. Why does the above paragraph sound mathematical to me?

Was stuck in the toilet while shitting, and there was this mirror beside me. I looked at myself. The reflection always seem to move the same time I moved. I thought. It is just like a video clip played from a recorder, called fate. Suddenly, every movement of mine seem to be predestined, predicted. Well, my feelings can be better communicated with the poem below.

As fate decrees.

I glanced at the mirror before me.
My reflection looking innocently back at me.
It seemed to question me, teasing playfully.
Dare you move faster than me?
As I raised my hand, it followed suit, no slower.
But faster.
Textbooks says light travels at 300,000km/s.
No wonder.
Or maybe I dint catch that.
You there, see me.
Flick.
Yes! I moved faster!
Did I?
As fate decrees.

who is me and who are you?

me.

2006-02-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i wonder whether its jus me or them. i dun want to be them. i want myself. people shouldnt assert their views on others, especially judgmental ones. we should learn to look at it two sidedly.

people say i have not grown. what does being grown makes me then? give me a example and i shall follow. follow? follow for wad? thats act man. i just wanna be myself.

i wrote this post on the two types of people before, though no one of you will remember. the two types of people in the world. the cool and enthu. i cant hide my emotions and i nver will. though you say i will change. i will learn to. learn to? if its not inherent, why should i learn to do something that is not me at all? societal pressure?

some people say i will find my blog childish when i grow older. well, i say that you find it childish. i dun. and i repeat, i nver will. its a record, a record for the progression of my thoughts and feelings. and life. yes, maybe the style will be outdated, but i will know what i was like.

i wonder. whether i should hide my emotions, be someone im not. there are lots of people i noe who hide their emotion. they pretend to be emotionless. they wanna be what they are not. their moves are all on second thought. like, looking at my msn list, rarely does someone pop up and chat with me. its always me to initiate. why? you wanna chat then chat. theres nothing to hide. dun tell me you have nothing to say. but when i grow up...

this is me now. hey you! yeah you! that me that is reading this post in the future! this is wad you were last time! dun deny it! did you change? nice to meet you. remember. this was you.

not you.

questions?

2006-02-20T21:02:00.000+08:00

Wah. Today was boring man. Ss sucks. Dunno what to study for sovereignty lor. Crap lah. Oh. And I had my ct election speech too. Dint do very well. Since everyone has voted, I shall just reveal my true intentions for running for ct. I knew I wun win, but I wanted to give it a go. Its just a gauge to find out the percentage of people having faith in me. And I swear to work on that as I grow older. Haha. I like zc's example of opposition against pap. Lolz. Not that it refers to you leon. Sry. And early congrats. Hope ms tey will tell me the number of votes I get so I can estimate.

Anyway, I was forced to go to milk again. Not like we achieved anything seeing them. We could have just talked on the phone. Maybe they just need some credibility. And jiayi is purely sick lor. Looking at some old mans d---. And asking whether its e-------. Then later turning around to glance again. Horny man.

So, back to thoughts. I was thinking bout a past incident and asking myself some questions. Maybe I can hear your opinions. But to avoid the mentioning the true nature of the incident, I shall phrase it in a simple question. Ok, here goes.

John has a chocolate bar and he offers it to Mary. But Mary did not take it cause she knew it will be passed on to Alex and wanted him to have it. As expected, John then offers the chocolate bar to Alex, who gladly accepted. Who gave Alex the chocolate bar?
a. John
b. Mary
c. both of them
d. the manufacturer of the chocolate bar.

The above scenario is purely fictional, though its what I experienced, and rephrased it. Is there a right or wrong answer? I dunno. Just wanting to find out what you guys think. Can you guess what role I played? Haha. Nvm. Being spastic.

Chocolate again. I always think of chocolates.

statue of me.

2006-02-16T11:43:00.000+08:00

I realised I can still blog, regardless of whether or not I have internet at home. I can simply type a word doc and then post it in sch! Right? Such a brilliant idea. Only I could have thought about it. Hah. Anyway, been too busy these few days to update, even if I thought of this earlier. And I mastered canon in d at last! Yay. Sorry for all those who came to my blog with much expectancy, and heres one for you! Cheers. (being too-full-of-myself today =)

I so sad. Lots of thoughts leashed up in me. Sometimes, I feel so constricted I cant breathe. Blogging them is like freeing myself. Man. I feel so good. And I joined air rifle! An announcement 2 weeks late due to not blogging. Todays comp was dumb. Cos I did very badly. When aiming, I tend to hold my breath, and sometimes, I would not even noe until im out of breath. Constricted again huh. My life.

I’ve been thinking (and I noe you have been waiting for this part =) about characters nowadays. I realized that im starting not to recognize some of my classmates. Then, im also recognizing more of my other classmates. Recognize, as in knowing.

I was thinking back bout some Chinese compre we did long time ago about carving out a statue with time as our knife. Dun you think that in everyone of us lies a statue? But to strangers, this statue of character in us is merely a block waiting for their impression to carve out their own statue of us. You, to everyone else, are made up of different statues people carve of you to identify you. This statue carved of you, is how people identify you, and is different for everyone who knows you.

Please...tell me you understand me. For once k?

From here, I will explain my truth. Since you are perceived differently by everyone, every good impression you make on them is like a smooth curve carve by them on your statue in their minds. Every bad impression you make, is like a sharp edge in your statue cut callously by the knife. How people approach you, is dependent on how your statue built in them is made up of. If you are a smooth statue, people caress you lovingly like a teddy bear. If you are a sharp statue, they avoid you as if you are made up of thorns. Even if forced to approach you, you are approached carefully for fear of being pricked.

But this statue of you, and I emphasize again, is unique in everyone who knows you, and it can never be fully carved. Even for the one closest to you, his/her statue of you, will be the closest to the real statue in you, that only you, know and have. Cause you know that there are some sharp edges in your statue, that you wanna protect others from.

Geddit till here? (a truly remarkable feat to make it till here)

Ok. Now, I will introduce a new concept of time in this whole statue thing. Nono, nothing to do with relativity and spacetime. Haha. Time, in my example, is dust. Dust that fills the gaps carved out by others of your statue in them. As time passes, dust collects in these finely carved gaps. The statue of you slowly returns to its original state of a block. The carves get fainter and fainter as each day past, with each month, with each year. The statue carved after a period of friendship and recognition, eventually becomes a block again. Memories, small holes in the statue not filled with dust, become the only property you can identify with the statue, the person once knew.

In conclusion, you can never know a person fully, but rather what he impresses on you. The better you noe them, the clearer your statue of them resembles his own statue of himself.

Oh my god. I love my thinking. The result of a 2 weeks hiatus. Ta-da! If you understand my theory till here, you rock! Cos great minds think alike. Oh. I need a certification lest someone poaches my theory.

Copyrighted: the above theory is a result of wondrous, not wanderless, mindings (allusion to... haha) of Shannon. ©
Btw, im running for ct!

In you, I believe.

settings.

2006-02-02T21:54:00.000+08:00

I hate maths lah. But what to do. I just dun have the gift to spot the solution out at a single glance. Trigonometry sucks. And I dun understand ss also lor. I dun know what is the legislature, judiciary and executive. Wah lau. Suck lah. But I will still try my best.

Nowadays, my brain going crazy or something. Keep thinking of words that people dun usually use. Words like hanker, conjugate. Maybe its going through my dictionary of long lost English words. Thats good. refreshes my memory. The weird thing is I dun really noe the meaning of these words. Like conjugate. And I dun bother checking the dictionary for it anyway.

Then it started to explore phrases. I was thinking of the phrase beg for pardon, then continued with beg your forgiveness. Then I started thinking of beg your promise, beg your cooperation, beg your attention, these kind of weird phrases. Are they accepted? Omg. Im going mad.

Anyway, im a very visual person. Any verbs being used as adjectives, I visualize them and snigger at my own joke. Like begging your forgiveness. Yes, its used very formally yet, imagine a gentleman on his knees crying for forgiveness. Ok, thats a bad example. Wad about, I dint catch you. In a conversational context, it means I dint hear your last sentence. Yet, im tend to view it as a hand grabbing something. Catch.. you get me here? Good.

There are 2 other types of people besides visual. There is also kinesthetic and many other types like sounds-based and emotion ones. To see which people fall in which category, you can use the simple way of noticing what words they use in conversations.

For example, I dint catch you is usually used by kinesthetic prone people, for which I have a knack of spotting. Haha. These people use a theme of actions in their minds eye. Another one would be..ahh. I see. Yes, and you guessed it, its for visual people. They visualize concepts and words in their minds eye. These people are usually faster at grasping theories and visual stuff. And I used the word grasping.. am I kinesthetic now? Not really. Cos I might be used to using this word that it catches me unaware.

Anyway, there are many secrets to how this knowledge can be utilized to persuade people or simly make friends with strangers. Give you a clue. People like it when you speak their language. ;)

Hoom mony mony hoom.

loving you to death.

2006-01-31T00:26:00.000+08:00

Indulgence.

This, is what people sacrifice for. This, is what people die for. This, is what others feel is irrational. Rationality? Not a factor worth discussing on this table of indulgence.

There are many types of indulgence. And indulgence becomes a need. Who says indulgence is never good? I say indulgence is a love, a need, a pleasure. Remember need for speed? Yes, speed is an indulgence too. Wine is an indulgence. Sex is an indulgence. Doing what you love, is an indulgence.

Would you trade death for indulgence? Why? Not? Yes. Why not? If im a hard core liquor addict, and doc says I have liver cancer, I would think I will still drink my wine. Is death that scary?

Actually, the fear of death, is born naturally in all of us. Yet, it is because we are unprepared. Then again, it is the pain of death. Why would you defend yourself if someone attacks you suddenly? You are afraid you might get hurt. It was unexpected too. If you were prepared and all, resigned to fate, have no one else in this world, all senses impaired, all limbs gone, with your heart beating for the sake that it has to, would you mind dying? Death is nothing in the first place. Just because you were born, worries and emotional attachments to life causes the regret to leave almost immediately you were born. Yet, reality is cruel. You are fated to die once you were born.

Ok, I digressed.

And since im here, I will continue from my digression.

So, death. Scared? Ghosts? Ghosts are nothing but an image of the dead imprinted in our dimension. Death is really nothing, once we have settled all things to settle, especially attachments. All talk no action. Hahz. You want me to die hah? Nono. I aint dead thus I cant prove. What is prove all about? But look at this era! Its post modern! Prove is everything. To me, belief is something. Prove me wrong.

And I think science philosophy is totally crap. Especially kuhn. Erm.. was it him? The theory of induction? Yeah. Thats the crap. We neednt even need to think of our future if induction doesnt exists. Induction is the core for all our predictions! If we were to base all our assumptions without induction, mr koh wouldnt come to class nxt week! neither will the rest of the teachers. Cos it would be induction by assuming he would come.

And induction actually has another meaning you noe. The hypnotic one, though I am prepared to bet you all wouldnt care to bother.

yay. My posts getting out of point nowadays. This is call following to where your thought lead you. Im enlightened.

Loving death, sweetly.

feeling dumb.

2006-01-26T21:30:00.000+08:00

Yay. I not going sch tmr. Can slack. Cos I got dental appointment. Anyway, tmrs gonna be boring too. Today was crazy. Quite fun. There was the junior meet senior session. Then we played the water game. I think if we change the measly water bottle into super soaker, it would be damn fun man. Best if everybody got wet. Alas, we got banana-ed instead. Haha. The banana captains ball was super lame. And wenshu damn lucky lah. Dint get to eat the bananas. Hahaha.

Then I went to the air rifle trials. Lucky I went late. Heard that at 4 it was crowded. Then spent a whole hour on tutorials crap. Some seniors there taught me. too bad Daniel was busy training. Haha. And he looks like some military captain (old British style) in his attire. Looked at him shoot, super stable. Haha. makes me wonder whether air rifle is all about teaching you how to be a statue. Not bad. For live firing, out of ten, I got 5 in the black hole, four in range and one out of range. I knew that it would, was getting ready and then accidentally pressed the trigger. Imagine if that happens in a battle field. Die man.

Oh! And there was some other stupid tests that I had to undergo. One was walking in a straight line with eyes closed. My three tries were all towards the right. Maybe that showed my right-eyedness. Another was balancing the small metal bullets with the palm of your hand stacking them upwards. My average was four I think. Third, I had to stand bout 3 metres away from a target and point a laser pointer at the centre. Think its about measuring the stabily of your hand. Not too sure, but I just came back from a game of basketball and my hand was trembling.

After that, went back to class and was stunned by the sight of everyone singing Singapore song. I have to admit they are very patriotic. In my mind, I was thinking they cant find a song to sing with the lyrics and had to make do with a Singapore one. Hahaha. Due to the infectious nature of singing, we sang along too, laughing along. The class must be very high hor. Is that called class spirit?

Ok, so thats basically my day. Margaret lent me a book called Freakonomics. Its interesting. Not very, as I love books that are fictional. Anyway, it explores a new side to most daily rituals. Wait, no. it explores a HIDDEN side. Such as cheatings and incentives in even the most common things. Its generally very economics, but applied to more interesting stuff. I love the book as it provides me with new perspectives of simple things.

Ok, im dumb, but last time, I used to wonder why the government wouldnt want to use incentives as encouragement for blood donation. I thought maybe it would use up too much of their resources for such a trivial matter. This book explains it wholly. You want to noe? Ok, you might have known.

Well, if organizations give even an appreciative sum for supposedly charity work, people would start to view it as an income. They start to think in lines of, why am I giving so much of my precious blood for such a meagre sum, although the org meant it as an appreciation, instead of the usual noble work perceived, that would prove as a much better moral incentive. Geddit?

Wad about increasing the stakes, you ask. Raising the amount of money given could help. Frstly, it already defeats the purpose, but to explain it in terms of the question, increasing the money makes the worth of blood valuable. Think of the consequences. That would lead to despots pointing knife at your throat saying, blood or death, which still means the same though. Ok. Sry. Being lame. There might be cheaters who sought to use pigs blood masquerading as human blood. Therefore, incentives cannot be used for charity.

But look at our society, look at NKF. Paying for events to raise more money. And it doesnt even goes to the patients. Thus MiLK is the best. It doesnt use any money for its advertisement, for events. All are done and supported by volunteers. All money raised goes to the noble cause of helping disadvantaged children. So guys, support MiLK!

Being dumber.

New Science.

2006-01-22T22:20:00.000+08:00

Back to Dan Brown. Wad that had interest me a year ago will still never fails to interest me now. Man. I love it. Angels and demons. For those who are really into debates of science and religion, this is the fiction for you. God. It is a hell much nicer than da vinci code I tell you. More intellectual. Maybe because I can understand it better than the history of art.

I was thinking about philo recently. What exactly is philosophy. What makes people philosophical. Is a characteristic attributed or rather an inherent property in all of us. All in all, Philosophy is universal. Its the theory. The GUT of theories. Grand unified theory. Haha. Got that from A & D.

Well, as I see it, in other words, thought of it, I feel philosophy is just the different perceptions we view our world. And I just realized that philosophy is actually the study of the universe, the singularity, the human and the meaning. Hahaha. I like the way I phrase that.

Ok. Back to philo. So, as I have said, its about perceptions, and may I add, in my opinion. Philosophy, is in regard of our world, and it revolves round science and religion. There are moral philosophies, philosophy of science, and philosophy of life. Its all interconnected. Science and religion. Yet, there are many implications involved.

I got this really great example from the book to prove my point. Damn. I cant find the bloody page. Super hard to find in 620 pages with font size 10. ok. Nvm. Lemme try to extract some info from my memory.

As a Christian prays, he feel a sense of security. He feels calm, yet, emotional. A surge of emotions spurs him, as God answers. He reaches this stage of clarity, of where he can think clearly, all troubles replied with fully formed answers in his mind, in his heart. This, is what biologists call altered state, physicists call higher consciousness, psychologists call super sentience. The Christians call it, answered prayers.

You see the different perspectives? The different perceptions? They are all but one. One matrix in different blankets of reality we choose to see in. The philosophy of life is nothing more than the one meaning everyone is trying to search for. Trying to search for? No, searching for.

Bane of existence.

don't stray.

2006-01-20T20:25:00.000+08:00

I missed the train stop again. I dunno wad bedok has against me that it always pushes me to kembangan. Ok. And im not gonna say why. Cos it will just make me seem so thick skin. Erm. Ok. Think I shall just say.

There are many methods to start your day. And when you start a day, its a fresh day. So since its a fresh day, we want to start it with a fresh attitude. To start with a fresh, optimistic attitude, you have to make yourself feel good. and I do this in the morning when I have time. That is, yes, on public transport. I should really write a letter to compliment MRT and SBS.

Usually, to make yourself feel good, you think of the good things you have done. You think of your positive points. You set an aim reasonable enough to achieve in the long run. This, I shall stress, is not to boost your ego. Though it does. It does to boost your confidence. Which is good. good for a new day.

You see, if your concentrate on your bad points, let alone bad features, you will start to lose confidence. You start to feel disgusted. It raises your self-awareness and you start to feel uncomfortable. After that, yes, you get depressed. This is wad people call, zi4 bi4 in Chinese.

And you do not want to start your day with that. You get irritable easily and with raised self awareness, you get paranoid bout yourself. That, is the bane of confidence and optimism.

Talking bout ego, I had philo today, and it is really boring, and interesting. We played some game of guessing a word. We guessed them in no time, after we learnt techniques used for constructing clear unambiguous questions.

Then, we had to decide on a word to let mr cook guess. Haha. He told us last time, the other batch thought of the word god. This time, we thought of ego, cos it can be hurt, can be measured, blah blah. But alas, we decided on the word, word. Hahaha. Everyone was giggling all the way, as he phrased his questions like, issit one word, certainly. hahaha.

It was a tough nut to crack, took him a full half hour for him to guess, as he was thinking on the lines of civilization, politics and liberty. Alas when he got on linguistic, it was right. Lolz.

Yes. Our first week of formal lessons have passed. And yet, ip ones are slacking like crazy, doing financial literacy. Ok.

Do your prayers.

boo! sequitur !oob

2006-01-16T20:37:00.000+08:00

There are a few reasons why I miss train stops. Firstly, is because im too engrossed in a song. Secondly, im too engrossed in my thoughts. Thirdly, I was day dreaming. Fourthly, I was dreaming. Lastly, im already asleep. Zzzzz...

So today, I was thinking bout a very special subject I chanced upon, while rummaging through the dusty old bedraggled cabinets of my memory. And I forgot. Sry. That was so anti climax. Anyway, who noes, I might just meet it again. Say cheese. So I missed this train stop and had to take the train back a stop.

Today was interesting. But lang arts is always interesting at the start. At the middle, its gonna be boring, and at the end, its shit. Hahz. But my topic has nothing to do with lang arts. Its just that a comment lq made that started me thinking again. Wad did he say? Oh. That people last time liked fat girls and that turned them on. Now, its the other way round.

Thats so true. And why does it happen? Such a powerful change. Imagine a switch. That up=on, and down=off. Over time, the circuits change and up=off while down=on. How did the circuits change?

This, is the power. Is the power I believe in. The power to change. Up till now, it really amazes me.

And we received our new jotter book today. Darren is literally glaring. Just open the front page and there he shines, as if he has already attain enlightenment. Wad interests me most are usually the comments at the lower parts of the jotter book with random interesting junkies for bored guys like me. And I spot one called the lucid dreams or something liddat.

It is related to one of my previous posts. The one on thinking too much and dreams continuing from there. Omg. It matches. But its so much more detailed. But it sounds a bit far fetch to me leh. I really really wish to take on the reins of my dreams.

And I checked out the word lame, for the first time today. It is really ironic to call something lame while laughing at it. For those geeks out there, lame, in our teenage era, actually means an unconfident and weak comment, though usually used for lame excuses. So a lame joke, I assume, is suppose to be weak, stupid and erm.. lame. Hahahaha. That was lame. And corny doesnt even come close to our type of meaning. It actually means cliche and overused. Thats bad. There isnt a word in the dictionary to describe me.. awww. Yay!

This song rawks man. Sway. By Loyolacappella. If you can even pronounce the name. im getting touched. Oh no.

Im abit out of sequence today hor.. sorry. I had lots of thinkings, but did not make it in time to record it down. And I gotta start revising bio! Damnit.

And there, I missed another stop. Gotta take it back.

Get me? A non-sequitur to jerk you back to your senses.
Its the end, my friend.

laughing out loud.

2006-01-09T19:26:00.001+08:00

Today is seriously interesting. One of the most interesting days of my school life. Ironically, there is no lessons unless you consider the morning assembly and teacher-mentor talk as one.

Mrs jay left the studio for a while, and she dint come back for an hour. So, our group decided to play cards. No one else had cards except lq. Then after an afterthought, he decided not, but we insisted. And there was this pack of fhm cards. The girls got all excited bout it and the bridge game that followed was one of the most inattentive one. They were saying..oh! is this blah blah blah from dunno wad show? How the hell was I suppose to concentrate, by the top left hand corner numbers and the noisy twittering.

Then after the chaos, we decided to eat, waited and went to sea regatta. Dint see many of our friends, so me and lq decided to go back. Go there, go back. Just enough for a walk of fresh air. We decided to go play pool. It was my first time, and I had to borrow ez link from yan le. Went to marine parade and played for an hour. I swear I improved, though he was playing game after game without me having to touch my stick.

Later, met the rest of our sl group to go to the hq of our organization. Milk. Sounds nice. Guess wad it is? Mainly I Love Kids. A very innovative and captivating name. went there. And all we did was keep silent. All the talking was the directors. Then asked us to play a game. Quite unexpected hor? No! very unexpected. And it was some childish game bout sitting on each other in a circle. Hahaha. Alas, she gave us a chance to ask questions, and she answered it nicely long.

After that, she gave us a proposal on wad she wanted us to do, something about persuading mrs chan too. Talk bout not letting ourselves be led by the nose. The proposals prepared! Moreover, its not ours. Its theirs for us. Lolol. Thanks, and we left 3 hours later.

It was frigging raining the whole day lor. my shoes had holes, and my socks and feet were wet. Wet to the skin. I bet it will stink when I reached home, and I won myself (if you get wad I mean.-___-"').

Anyway, I was thinking bout maturity on the train home. There was this group of childish guys whom I assume are just sec one, still having the p6 look, wearing some secondary school uniform, with the pants up high, shirts tucked neatly. They were talking very loudly bout some internet game, level wad level wad, and some technical words. Its a game.

Somehow, it seems oddly familiar to me. It was wad I was before, wad I was during p6. talking bout card games and computer. Suddenly, I realise that maturity is just like a trend. Its a trend we follow. I dun think it has much to do with character changes. Its just wad we catch on from our seniors one year ahead, play them, and pass them on. Its like a rite of passage. We see ppl tuck out their clothes and we follow. We see ppl grabbing their own girls and we follow. We see people playing basketball, bowling and pool and we follow. We see people spiking hair and we follow. We see people buying nike, adidas, billabong, quicksilver and we follow. The list goes on.

Yet, is maturity about being cool? Being trendy? (note: cool and trendy are 2 different words. I mentioned before.) Being relaxed with fhm among classmates? next would be... I dun noe.

Ask the future. Ask the "matured".
(sorry bout this super long post. See if you can speed read it. Haha.)

Extra:
And i was recommending to eric bout some scout thing last time, to put prickly powder inside..you noe where, super shuang. then he said:" i dun wanna run around with my balls feeling as if they are stuck in ice." hilarious man. hahahahhaha. stuck in ice. lol.

play with me.

2006-01-07T20:33:00.000+08:00

School is fun and slack these few days. Shatec was great. Though they pampered us by cutting up the ingredients for us. I love cooking, though I dun have much chance after sec 2. Group simulation was boring. And our group was super serious. Waddya expect, with Darren and huang yue. Sandra and tian yuan could also be considered in the same league. And I had to play along.

Anyway, I was thinking bout fear again. I realized that there are a few built in fears that we acquire inevitably from birth. It is the fear of heights and fear of loud sounds. Which is to assume that everyone are afraid of them. It is an automatic response for us to bolt upright when we hear unexpected loud sounds. Our knees will shiver when standing on a tight rope.

But fears can be diminished and new fears catch on. I am amazed that the fear of darkness is not built in, but acquired. With disability of our senses in the darkness, its as vulnerable as being disarmed. So what are we actually afraid of? The unknown.

Imagine you are in a plain. Everywhere around you is flat land, without obstacles. Walking into anything is an impossible. Yet, when you close your eyes, you start to feel paranoid. Your uncertainty arises, increasing as time passes. You wonder whether you will fall into a hole at the next step. You wonder whether you will knock into a pole. Thus, you start to raise your arms. Trying to feel in front of you. Your steps metamorphoses from a light hearted prance to a cautious sneak. Even in such a setting.

Our senses are our treasures. Yet, they are our limitations. Limitations to the perspectives of our world. Lets take a case. For example I ask you to walk out of your window, guaranteeing that you wun fall through the weightless air but levitate. You wouldnt, cos its not wad you can sense.

Fear plays with our senses, as our senses play with us.

theres a 99% chance.

2006-01-02T20:30:00.000+08:00

Schools gonna reopen tmr. im really having mixed feelings about this. But by the end of tomorrow, its will just be another normal day. I wonder wad will I feel when I step into our classroom. When I see our juniors. When I see our junioric seniors. When I see our teachers. When lessons start. When I haven finish all my hmwrk. I really really suck at maths. Swore to study, yet dint.

I not even sure whether im excited or im reluctant. Damn. I bet everyones grown bigger. I remember when I was sec 1 and stood in awe at the sec fours. I really cant believe im sec four now. How?

Shit. I should not be troubled by such mundane matters. Think philosophical. In any second now, an asteroid might crash somewhere, and we might be engulfed in land, water or fire. There goes humanity.

Actually, there is no purpose for humans to live at all. Dinosaurs dint noe when they were wiped out, cause they were busy eating leaves or preys. And us too. Cause we are too busy being worried bout school, money, hmwrk, friends. Anything else that troubles. But these are just trivial. So trivial that we shouldnt care. At least in cosmic relations. Ah. Consider this the aftermath of reading short history of nearly everything.

Just because we cant take such big matters (pun not exactly intended) at hands, we go on with our lives without giving a damn to the one strike that may happen anytime.

If someone tells you that the average a comet might hit earth would be about once in ten million years, it simply means that it might even hit earth tmr. you geddit? and you will argue, but thats one in 365 * 10 000 000 chance! haha. laughable. theres no such word as chance in my vocabulary.

Life is not bliss. Averages and percentages are nothing more than 50/50. yah. Like 4d. but you can even see it as 99.999/0.001. its still the same. Its a may. And a may, can even become a will. But theres one thing I agree. That uncertainty is involved. Thats why I never rate it hundred percent.

So, if I say that the average a comet hits earth once a day, and it dint even hit for a million years, im still correct. Cause one day, its might start raining comets. A million comets.

Maybe thats why I never have a flair for maths.

new year? more like the same every year.

2005-12-31T00:26:00.000+08:00

Christmas has flown by, boxing day has jumped passed and even before we know it, its new year in a days time. Happy new year to those who are reading my blog. Happy new year in advance for those here before 1-1-06, happy new year for those after 1-1-06.

This year has been a very eventful year. I would like to thank the following people whom are my family who encouraged me to vip, my classmates who had made this year so fun, and my teachers who taught me worthless things for a piece of paper. And I would also like to thanks the following sponsors, my father for the electricity and provision of this computer, my brain for managing to think something as silly as a thank you speech as a blog post, and my finger for dancing tirelessly across the keyboard to convey my heartfelt thanks.

I feel so lame now. Maybe a lame face to put across my feelings at this moment.
-_____-“’. Hows that? Notice the mole?

Putting aside lamings at the moment, I really have achieved a lot this year. good and bad. Just let me shorten it into wad I have achieved/experienced during the holidays then.

1. A job.
- Yes! A job. Great experience.
2. Riding a motorbike!
- I was so excited. Wind howling past my ear, ground rushing beneath my bare feet, and air whipping past my face.
3. Learning to drive a motorbike.
- Never got more than 2 meters. Too scary. Haha.
4. Started self motivated reading of English books. Seriously.
- Fun in English undiscovered, now discovered.
5. Hearing Chinese songs.
- Forced by teacher.
6. Free internet.
- thanks to my PDA and my unsuspecting neighbour who dint lock his wireless.
7. Chalet with cousins.
- a great bonding experience you can put it.
8. Interest in architecture and designing.
- a first time in seriously thinking about my future.
9.
10.
( 9 and 10 think about it later you see. Though im sure I can fill in the blanks.)

And yes! Ten new experiences and achievements! And im so proud of it. Though there isnt any achievement in hmwrk I see. I can only achieve that by going to school and pour my sorrows as a helpless chap without a graphic calculator to my dear friends that have completed their homework so painstakingly. Which im sure they will lend dearly so to me.

Right?

feel how you feel inside.

2005-12-26T13:30:00.000+08:00

Haha. I just realised something. You can just see how busy or free am I by the frequency of my posts. And yes, thinking is the best way to past time. Imagining too. Thats why when you sleep, you wake up the next instant, and 10 hours have past.

Actually, you dream almost everytime you sleep. Though you dun feel like it. Most of the times, you forget them. Its because its your subconscious thats imagining them, without the critical faculty to censor or take note of. So, you cant remember and its also the reason why most of your dreams are so very weird. Haha. And I mentioned this before, but I seriously doubt any of you would notice.

Actually, I realized its best to imagine till you sleep. This way, when you sleep, you dreams will continue from your imaginings. You cant really control how it progresses, but at least you can create the beginnings for dreams. Thats why, when you are obsessed with something, you constantly dream bout it. Because you think bout it regularly.

And theres one thing I really believe. That you can control your bodily functions with your thoughts and feelings. You noe when wounds heal by itself? Most people think that these are things that are out of our control. I think not. It can be controlled by our spirits and thoughts. These feelings interwine to send a signal to the cells at the wound.

Its like, when I was in constant pain after I extracted 2 teeth, I kept thinking bout the holes the teeth left. Then I heard small sounds, creaking sounds. As my ears are pressed against the pillow, it is sensitive to sounds that echo in my hollow cavity. I think I felt that the other teeth are actually moving tiny bit by bit to fill the gaps.

I extracted a tooth before, and its been a year now, with a teeth beside it taking its place. The teeth beside, will feel the gaps eventually, but braces are there to speed up the process, with constant pressure applied.

You might not really believe wad I say, that healing processes can be sped up with thoughts, and dub it as hallucination. No wonder. Its a subconscious process. Anyway, you can minimise pain too.

One way is directed attention/consciousness. Its a hard method, cos if you are too aware of your pain, its hard to direct your consciousness to something else. Another is through the process I spoke of just now. For example, your fingers were recently jammed against a door and its damn pain now. If you imagine, yes, just imagine, that your fingers were dipped in a bucket of ice water. Feel the coolness. Feel the atmosphere. Concentrate on your wet fingers. Feel the numbness spreading.

Just concentrate like that, and im sure the pain would be lessened. Try to go to sleep like that. But if you suddenly shift your conscious back to reality, the pain would return, no doubt. Haha. So, gdluck to ya all.

Cheers to those to believe. And box the rest. Merry boxing day.

pain.

2005-12-23T22:54:00.000+08:00

Awww crap. I hate it. My gum and lips are hurting. Went to the dentist today. Extracted 2 shitty teeth. Actually planned to extract 3 one lor. but they used too much anaethetic on me already, reached the maximum for an adult. Maybe that’s why my lip is swollen till now. Arg.

Slept the whole afternoon, trying to direct my consciousness to something else so that I dun feel the pain. Hopeless. And now I think im getting fever. Best Christmas huh. Dunno whether I should still work tomorrow not, under such circumstances.

That will be all for today. Really hope this swell would go away by tmr, or else how am I gonna celebrate Christmas.

holy crap.

2005-12-22T00:36:00.000+08:00

Huff.*Heave-a-sigh*

Very tired. Jus came back from work, moreover, I had a stayover with my cousins yesterday night, and came home at 8 in the morning and jus slept till 3. outing was fun. Though they cancelled the bbq. Cos it was drizzling. Its always drizzling whenever I have a stayover.

Played cards the whole night. and caught up with most of my cousins. We haven had a get together since new year. everybodys evolving. Damn. being up to trend. Should I or should I not. Nvm. Then played card games and mahjong throughout the night lor. we played polar bear, but its in the version of murderer, and spy. And theres also a doctor! Haha. Ate a lot. Im damn full man.

Ok. Anyway, I was thinking, why do most bad words/symbols always have something to do with the lower part of our body? Ok, only the bad words I noe. But is there really a word that is deemed bad and have nothing to do with the lower part of the body?

Its either something to do with sex, shitting or pissing. Hahaha. Waste products and excretions. They have a bad life huh? Even their names must be used in a cursed way. Makes me think of eric. Hahaha.

Seriously, the people of whom these bad words originate from, are really shallow minded. Haven you heard, what comes out is what you eat. So instead of saying, shit you! You can say, Eat you! Instead of saying crap, you say, food! Instead of saying piss off, you say, go drink you coke lah!

And also, sex is holy. Its wad that produces everyones here, here. Yet they make a word of sex carrying the most negative connotation known in the English language, which you all noe. Seriously, kick this people in the butt. Instead of saying fuck you, why dun you say, be born! ah! Kick you in the butt. See! Its still in the lower part of the body.

crap.fuck.shit.dick.piss.ass.butt.
.go and die. (and death is holy too, wonder why people love life so much)
Woah. Im vulgar. Haha.

narmol. (on purpose, not sp error.)

2005-12-18T21:19:00.000+08:00

Ice skating was fun. Too bad for those who dint come. It was my first time, but I got it nearly immediately, cos its jus like roller blading anyway. Eric and zc got some problem though. But they progressed well. Quite fast, as its just in a few hours. Not to mention a few knocks and falls that guides them along.

The floor is much slippery. And I found I could go faster. But once you fall, its a wet butt. Haha. And theres this pro guy, who is an old man, dancing as it skates. Woah. Graceful, except that he too show off. Then, smack. Hahaha. He bangs into this young noob who apologises profusely. Serves him right.

Im tired nowadays. Hahz. And I haven done most of my homework. How? And I still dun feel like starting. Seriously, how? Yes yes. Its easy. Just pick a pen and start writing crap. Hiya. But I must try my best for nxt year. I did badly for this year’s exams lor. hahz....

No thoughts today. Or I just forgot. Or im just not in the mood now.

Oh, im in a mood. Im in a mood of wad you would call normal. LTM (laughing to myself).

Love (y)'all.

2005-12-16T23:45:00.000+08:00

I was on the train back home from work ytd night. took the last train. Super lucky. And usually, when im bored on public transport, I would wonder wanderlessly (think I mentioned this before). I was tired. Yet in a special mood.

Somehow, at that time, I remembered being enlightened bout love. And after the thoughts, I was thinking, I love everyone in my life. They are there for me, but its whether I bother to be there for them too.

Love, comes in many forms. They dun just come from the usual lovey-dovey couples which you think of, but they are everywhere. Im discussing bout love as the likes of it. Thats literal enough for you I assume. Love comes in many forms.

Love in married.
Love in couples.
Love in romance.
Love in sex.
Love in relatives.
Love in friends.
Love in others that ought to be loved.
Oh. And add love to god for the pious.

There are so many people to be loved in this world.
Suddenly felt being alone is sacredly scary.

Oh I geddit. I was in a so very peaceful mood that I wished that everybody could just be friends and live happily ever after. But it seems that is not to be so. Anyway,

Love (y)'all.

drifter. blow

2005-12-14T22:55:00.000+08:00

I want to leave a legacy, and not just drift through this life undetected and then vanish into oblivion without so much as a whisper. To be a dull blip on the radar screen...it's my worst fear.

(i learnt to use asterisks! *LMHO*)
p.s: civilised-> laughing my head off

misc.

2005-12-12T22:26:00.000+08:00

Yes. I officially found a way to pass the bores of holidays. Haha. Ok. Its nothing. Just manage to find a job. My xiao gu zhang recommend. And its tiring. All day standing up. And its at orchard. So its really crowded. Darn. The queues are super long and my leg aches man.

Luckily the staff are friendly lor. But they are auntie auntie one lah so treat me very nice lah. Xiao di. Then sometimes lemme eat tian ping. Haha. And the pay is the best. Highest so far. Bout 5 bucks per hour. Much better than the other offers from all the fast food restaurants. Mac only 2.5 and long john 3. so considering the rest, its not bad lah.

I found out lots bout sleeping, and how I sleep. Most people do not noe how they fall asleep. All they remember is thinking, I want to sleep. If you choose to lie on bed but not to sleep, just think, how am I going to fall asleep. Its a sure work method lor. You will just be tossing around on your bed feeling the heat beneath your back. And yes. Counting sheeps dun work, at least for me. Only when you stop counting will you sleep. Haha. Actually, just dun think of anything lah. But if you keep telling yourself dun think of anything, its still thinking of something.

I have a few methods for sleeping. Hahaha. And I remember something funny. Last time when I was younger, I loved playing pokemon. Then I can sleeping very easily, by imagining im still playing gameboy, walking around the village, fighting pokemon till im dead beat. Hahaha.

But now I utilize my eyes to get to sleep. There are actually 2 ways to close your eyes. No, more like 2 levels. To sleep, you must get to the second level. First level is closing your eyes but staring straight at the darkness infront of you, the covering of the eyelids. Thats why sometimes people cant sleep even when they had closed their eyes and they wonder why. The second level is auto. You close your eyes and your eyes fly to stare at the top of your head though you dun feel its so.

After that, there is darkness, no matter wad colour your eyelid, cos its not staring at your eyelids now. Then I imagine darkness over darkness. But as I imagine, its really appears. The previous darkness is cover over by a darker black, enclosing into a circle. And then again. And again and again.

But I dun think you will be able lahz. Cos its my personal method. By the way, sleeping is holy.

Im real tired. Worked till 11 ytd and took the last train home. Had to get up 7 today and got there at 9, then reached home at 5. damn.

.Gdnite. sleep well.

A fire in an igloo.

2005-12-10T21:49:00.000+08:00

As I realise, there are 2 extreme types of people in this world. That would be another category. Lemme see how I should name them. Ok. Maybe the words enthu and cool.

The enthu people are people who cant control their emotions and let it flow over them. They are passionate yet easily agitated. In face of adversity, they cant keep cool, thus the opps. They are those around you, whom talk excitedly, who chat with you on msn most of the times, who always tries to seek attention, who are most probably in the centre of attention and are occasionally humoured, the butt of jokes.

The cool people are those that take reins over their emotions. They always seem in a neutral state and rarely smiles. They talk only to answer questions or at least for a purpose, rather than those who talk for the sake of interesting the others. In face of adversity, they keep cool. Ok. You expected that anyway. They do not seem to seek attention, but due to the unfathomable nature of humans, friends seem to flock to them.

Of course, these are the extremes. Everyone exist in varying degrees of them.

But there is something unusual related to these 2 types of people. That the enthu are usually thought of being immature and the latter, mature. Is that so? Im not sure. But maybe the control of emotions is a possible sign of maturity. Or should I say, plausible. Haha.

Another to note would be whether upbringing is the true cause of the resulting. Issit necessary that one who makes few frens grows up to be the enthu while another who makes lots gradually shows less enthusiasm and thus become the cool.

In this era, the cool has been the role model. People follow such character structure and the enthu starts to mask themselves up. The enthu that aint cool starts to act cool, and thus the term "act cool". But the term cool, in real life, is seen rather as those who follow the trend. Not quite what i mean.

Burning hot and cold.

let be friends, shall we?

2005-12-07T21:07:00.000+08:00

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, and shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do the battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already, your lungs have flown way like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so, with the rest of your body. Every part of you in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly, you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you have defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words, for fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene. It seems to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you dont, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

An abstract from "Life of Pi".

I have never met such a perfect and accurate description of this emotion, fear. I do not even think I should consider fear, as an emotion. Is it? Is it not? Well, its is more of an illusion for me.

I have many fears, and so do you. Everyone of you. I hate my fears. They make me cower, feel inferior. I hate them. I seek of ways of which to destroy them. There are ways eventually. Many ways. Many many ways. But there is only one way to disperse this illusion, this curtain. That is, to ally with it.

You might think, what a disgusting idea. Ally with something as filthy as that? Look at its dust, that make us cough, sneeze and splutter at the smell of it. That velvet curtains that irks us for no reason. Ally with it? Over my dead body. Ironically, it blinds our senses, just like we are dead.

So, we might as well make friends. Happy freaky friends basking in emotions as though they are our playgrounds. Shall we?

its not easy, is it?

ticking thoughts.

2005-12-05T13:31:00.000+08:00

Watched star awards last night. quite entertaining to see them saying their thank you speech. Glamorous, but too bad fann wong dint win anything. Maybe cos shes "exported goods", as my mother puts it. Haha. Christopher was put on a tough spot. Mark dint realize he was last one of the top ten guys award again. Lol. Wasted lor. I wanted Adrian to win something at least. Da di. Hahaha. Maybe becos he is just too new in the Chinese media industry.

Then went to my niece's house to celebrate her bdae. And she's twelve. Abit awkward to be her uncle, but theres another niece even older than me, by a few months lahz. Haha. Chatted abit, and watched 2 movies altogether with them. National treasure and the myth. Also watched harry potter with my family before that. Ok. That makes three.

Been true to myself. Reading books nowadays. Allocated the morning for that. Life of pi is interesting. And its funny. But I still cant get through some of its thick concentrated details. Haven finish reading, but it gets my thinking ticking.

Religion in a rush.

God is everywhere.
As the sun drums.
As the wind whistles.
As the earth laughs.

Yet people worship one.
As the sun pounds.
As the wind howls.
As the earth sweats.

As I kneel before thou,
I kneel on thou,
I kneel below thou,
I kneel with you.

This knowing,
God's knowing.
Im knowing.

God is my belief.
God is truly coincidental.
God is all around me.

But He is larger than life.
Im a part of Him.
And im proud to be, so can you.

As I kneel, a mortal, rising with immortality.

God thinks freely, free thinker.

People always think they are right. God's with them. It can be seen in the early ages where rain is portrayed as god's tears, earthquake as god's thump, volcanic eruptions as god's furious hot anger. Come. Why cant it be rain as god's tears, of joy, earthquake as god's belly laughter, and let alone eruptions as god's ejaculations?

Its not meant to be funny, but god does meet with accidents. In my life, I rejected 2 calls from god, to be a Christian or join the Buddhist youth thingy. Cos I dun believe in god as an idol, I believe in god as everything. He is everything, from the big bang, to the chair you are sitting on, to the screen you are staring at, and even you. You are a part of Him. He does not create you, He produces you from Himself. And I dun mean He as a male or anything, but as an element of birth.

You know He is there, as I know you are here.

i predict that...

2005-12-01T22:03:00.000+08:00

I blogged this ytd, but lest some people say I blog to regularly, I only release this today. Haha.

I was thinking, why do people tend to believe in futuristic stuff, predictions and ~test or whatsoever. I mean its true that people take these stuff, and I bet you had taken it before. Did you?

I think its just in our subconscious that people tends to believe in things that speak good of them. Theres this tendency to accept results as facts. So as you do a ~ test, you answer questions, and there will be a greater probability that you will believe in the results. No matter how far fetch or low key it is.

I stick to my theory of relativity. In these tests, the resulting conclusions of you are usually very ambiguous. For example- you met with a mishap recently. Or- you are an honest person. Since im typing this post with a sceptical approach, you will not believe it. But if im a fortune-teller, and I tell you these things, you will surely try to relate them to yourself, in one way or another.

It could be, "Oh! A mishap! I fell down and hurt my knee the other day." Or whatever crap that would resemble a seemingly mishap. And when I say you are an honest person, you would feel- yah. Im honest. I rarely lie. Even if I lie, I will admit it later. Yes, thats it, im honest. Its a natural tendency to relate to ourselves when praised. We will accept these praises as facts. Another example would be you are smart. You think, "no im not, I failed 3 subjects. Nearly last in class. Oh, maybe you were referring to me being in a good school. Compared to the average, yes, im smart." It will still lead to conclude that praise is a fact.

So, generally, and as you noe, me typing this post means that I dun usually believe in such tests, future telling crap. There are just too many factors to put in place, insufficient for just a few questions to determine who you really are. Such as your environment and nurturing stages. All such tests are never accurate.

Who would accept they are dumb, useless and shitty? Excusimua, im born in this world for a reason.

.tiring.

2005-11-29T20:53:00.000+08:00

Nowadays, im super bored. Desperately trying to find things to entertain myself. With an exception of studying. It is basically the 3 combos, eat sleep shit, and playing com games, blogging and tv. And maybe outdoor stuff like cycling lahz.

Trying to add reading stories to my list. But somehow, someway, I cant seem to squeeze studying and doing homework in my sparse timetable. I seriously need the torch to fire myself up.

Furthermore, my notion of playing com games is back to the 90s, when I was five and my still-young teenager cousin introduced me to bomberman. I cant believe im back to tat. Nvm. Add another game, puzzle bubble. Ok, im lifeless. Jus like some people. But honestly, its fun. =)

Today was shitty. Ok. At least it added some life. Nick told me there was some free bowling if we acted as calefare (dunno how to spell) for some duman high video, think for it club, and we went there, waited to an hour, walked in the beach for another hour, and bowled a game for an hour. In the end, we still had to pay, and we played our individual games too. Both sucked. If there was a problem in nicks bowling, and a problem in my bowling, it just hints that theres a problem with the lane and the balls.

Met two of the would be juniors. Not too bad lahz. But I dint like the gal one, wearing shades summore, damn bimbotic. The guy retains a odd resemblance to aaron. Even his voice. Lol. But he was nice. Saw some of the old dumanians, familiar faces. Oh yah, and we walked back to vjc, took bus then mrt to lavendar, for another hour.

By then, I was broke, even too broke to afford a dollar of lunch. Cos I only had 90 cents. Then we went to despace, met ms tey and the rest at furniture mall. Glimpsed at them buying a table and went off to douby gout to spotlight. I was already broke, and my ez link card had to announce bankruptcy too at that time, so I had to take a loan. Had to go to kovan to buy plants, and went back to douby gout plaza singapura, spotlight, to meet them again.

Huff. Alas. Described all the trips I had taken. Must have deducted bout 3-4 bucks from my ez link card alone. But the items we bought were nice lahz. A browm-finished table, a fragile hairy carpet (did we decide to buy that one?), a translucent curtain, two trunk plants, et cetra. Not too sure.

Hope they will be nice. And they still went off to ikea. And its like already six. Crazy bunch. Went home first. Wonder if they are still there.

Ok. An "interesting" day of my life.

oh i forgot, im hungry. arg.

lame shit. (read till the end)

2005-11-27T23:25:00.000+08:00

A lumberman was working near the river. It has been a relatively hotter day than usual, so when he waved his old axe to chop just one more tree, the axe slipped away from his hands and flew right into the water...
The big strong hard working lumberman started to cry in desperation.

To his amazement, and my own when I heard the story, a relatively good hearted witch has appeared from thin air.

"Why do you cry?", asked the relatively good hearted witch.

"Can't you tell???", shouted the frustrated lumberman.

"My axe! My axe just fell into the water... I can't swim... I won't be able to work without my axe... I'm poor, can't buy another... I need food and wood and I should..."

"Hush!", said the witch with the Harry Potter broom. "I'll get your axe back to you".

The relatively good hearted witch went straight into the water. After a few seconds, she came out with a golden axe in her hands. "Is that yours?", she asked.

"Noooooo", cried the big strong hard working lumberman. "It isn't! Mine was mine".

"Ok", she said, diving right back into the water. A couple of minutes later she comes back up with a silver axe. "Is this it?", she asked. "Is that your axe?".

"Noooooooo, it is not!", screamed the lumberman. "Mine was mine!".

"Fine", she grounted but had to still return into the freezing water to take out just another axe. This one was old, a bit broken and with burn marks... "Is that...", she didn't even finish the question while the lumberman jumped right towards her and grabbed his axe.

"this is it", he danced around, "my axe is back... this is mine".

The relatively good hearted witch was impressed with the lumberman's honesty. He could have taken the golden or silver axes, but he chose to say the truth. As an appreciation gift, she gave all 3 axes.. His own, the silver and the golden axes.

The lumberman has returned home whistling all the way, happy and satisfied. On the next day the big strong hard working lumberman took his wife to that very spot, to see where he met that relatively good hearted witch.

The wife looked at her reflection in the river, fixing her hair, while she suddenly fell into the water... What will the lumberman do now?

Of course, he started to cry... "Oh my godddd, my wife has fell into the water and I can't swim, and she can't swim and she must be saved and..."
And the relatively good hearted witch has yet again appeared out of thin air.

"Yes, yes, I know", she said, diving into the colder water.

"Is that your wife?", she asked, carrying on her broom a Swedish world known bikini model.

"Yessss!", smiled viciously the lumberman.

"Liar !!!", shouted the relatively good hearted witch with anger. "This is NOT your wife!".

"Hmmm, right", said the big strong lumberman.

"But you know, I lied for a good reason... you see, if I would have told you that this is not my wife, you would have just dived in again to pull out another sexy woman... and then, when I'd tell you it's not her, you'd pull out my own wife and then I'd have to go home with all three...two sexy models and my wife"

"And hey", he added to make sure she understands. "I cannot possibly support 3 wives!".

So isnt it true, that men only lie for a good reason? ;-)

.guess its the homo sapiens way.

2005-11-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

I dun noe why but people like to find out more about others. But I should noe. Now why? Maybe because they wanna find out the real person you are and figure your thinkings. Thats why ppl play games that grant power and access to others inner self. Yes, you there noe wad im talking about. Smirking that way.

But first of all, issit necessary? Issit necessary to go to all that trouble to find out wad the other doesnt want to portray to you? Issit necessary to find out the “true” person they are? Why cant we just accept the image they want leave and impress on us? Why must we insist to find out more? Jus look at your inner you and thats their inner them. And wads the thing with inner anyway? Guess its just the homo sapiens way.

Anyway, even if we play that game, people wouldnt dare pop a really personal question to you. You noe why? Just accept the fact that we Singaporeans are not liberal. We dare not approach such issues. I hate it when people quite obviously shut up to taboos and still masquerade as a neo-liberal. Wads with being liberal at all? Is there a circle that draws a clear line for liberals to be liberating and conservative, unprogressive?

And I haven figure out bout the likes yet. Who do you like? Whose your best impression? Who did you think you once liked? Such ambiguity. Its makes no sense anyway. Wad goes into the others ears is assumed as love, a possible couple, a crush. Wad will be next? A bang? Ok, im being corny. If you get it at all.

Wad is love anyway? A dick and vagina coupled with friendship? Ok, that's insulting to couples. Pretend you dint hear it. Just a definition that comes from a guy just bullheaded and thick, like eric likes to say, that has no experience.

But sometimes, I seriously think. For love, that only evolves from friendship. I dun believe in it being cultivated. Its like, be together and then decide whether we love each other or not. But thats wad happened in olden days where family bond their offspring to another. And thats wad happen these times too.

Pardon for this state of mind.

Relax, im not questioning you.

over.

2005-11-24T13:26:00.001+08:00

Chalets over. Hiya. So fast. Might as well have made it 4 days 3 nights. Personally, I think this years chalet was quite boring lahz. Everyone slept, and mahjong spoilt it all. Then during the day, it rained the whole time. And I brought my bicycle and no one cycled. The barbecue was nice. It was not bad lahz. and scaring wooyeah was lame. Hahahz.

We should have more time spent together lor. like maybe everyone sit down and tok. Tell ghost stories or jokes blah blah. Or sumthing liddat. At least do some activities together lahz. And everyone was like, where to go?

Alas, the best part was the last day. Hahaa. My bowling score was higher than average. But im still unstable. And nick is cursed. Hahaz. Yah. And the wild wild wet part! Super fun. First time go to such swimming theme park. Seriously, the others should have gone lor. was super fun. But by the time everybody hesitated and decided not to go, only daryl, lq, nick and me were left with 3 hours to enjoy. So we qiong to every slide and pool. And still got performances summore. Then we went to the wave pool. And got one slide for 2 people that was at least 55 degrees steep lahz. that was swooping fun. Hahaa. I think its more fun than escape. Summore the queues werent too long. We tired ourselves out. Then still have to cycle daryl to his piano lesson. Lolz. Went back to downtown and ate 2 hot pies. Damn hungry.

Slept until quite late today. Bout 12. die. Now have to face the reality of studying. I promised to start studying after the slackings of November.

.But afterall, such promises are rarely fulfilled.

reincarnation.

2005-11-20T13:51:00.000+08:00

Hiya. Too long never blog liao. Cos too engrossed in comics. Also thought less nowadays. Noe why? Because I dint take public transport!!! I can only think when im bored in a bus or mrt. And the scenery that speeds past me just hypnotizes me into thinking mood.

Anyway, I notice why I suddenly changed so much during the last half year. I became more cold and anti social. Erm...maybe? did i? anyway, I think its because I read too much on reading others. Then it made me a knowall. A proud idiot. People hate know alls. So its best all tactics are used discreetly.

And a little thinking these few days made me conclude a better conclusion.

Heck care. Dun feel like typing it down lest it.. anyway, typing thoughts on blogs is a bad idea. I should not have done this in the first place. Must control emotions. Thats the path to becoming a shinigami. Surprise? Yay! I read bleach.

But its dumb. After you die, you go to soul society and you can be killed again. Then where do you go after that?

.where do you go after that.

.think and think and think.

2005-11-16T20:54:00.000+08:00

I think im weird. But am I weird? Was I born weird? Was I nurtured weird? Did I choose to be weird? Did I want to be weird? Am I weird?

I was born to think im normal. But people might say im weird. Eventually, and alas, everyone thinks they are normal, but compared to the majority, people say they are weird and they thus think that they are weird. But is the majority wad we compare with? Issit democracy or elitism?

Everybody thinks they are normal, and everyone around them, weird. Thats becos everyone is not them. Its stupid.

I think I think too much. Should I think less? Should I be more discreet in my thinkings? Should I be more normal? Did I want to be weird so as to be different? Must I be normal and give in to the society?

I dunno. I duno. I dont noe. I don't know!!!

Maybe I just do not blog my thinkings. Maybe I should not express my interests. Maybe I should keep to myself. Then I wun be weird!

And I think im a bad fren. Dun befriend me. I might kill you someday.

Maybe one day I think and think and think and I decide that bad is good.
I think and think and think and I decide being alone is good.
I think and think and think and I decide betrayal is good.
I think and think and think and I decide conflicts are good.
I think and think and think and I conclude socially unaccepted morals.

Maybe one day I think and think and think and I decide thinking is good.
Then I will continue to think and think and think and become a big bad monster...

1 day.

2005-11-13T22:11:00.000+08:00

Aww. Im sick. Stupid. I swear never if I can, not to sleep in air con rooms. Whenever I sleep in air con rooms, I cant sleep. So I cant really say I sleep in air con rooms. Or maybe its paranoia caused by last night ghost show. Hahz. I dunno.

I hate flu. But I hate sneezing more than I hate flu. Ok. Nvm. I hate both. You get teary eyes, and you need lots of tissue papers. All I can say is that im on sneezing spree today. Achoo! Gddamnit.

I dun really like air cons in the first place. Shit. Then how can I be the nxt LKY? Must have no future lahz. anyway, I dun think I can hold any important political places though. People in the future can just use blog evidence to prove that I have been senile when I was young.

And lemme tell you a story. I had love eating green bean paste. It just melt in your mouth. Recently, my auntie came back from Vietnam and gave us a big box with small boxes of green bean paste. And in these small boxes, the paste is divided into six cubes. Easy to pick, easy to eat.

So there was this one fine day when I took a box to eat. Slowly, I undid the wrapper. Hmm. Neatly divided into six cubes. I popped one in my mouth. Simple delicacy. Another. Just like chocolate. And so on. Until there left 2. I picked up the second last piece, just about to put it in my mouth. Then, I noticed something.

Shocked the wits out of me. There laid the sleek body of a small mealworm. Obviously I would be shocked. Who would expect to find something so erm.. small, furthermore, it’s a living thing.

Well, then I was amazed. Haha. Freshly imported from Vietnam, not considering it was preserved in my fridge for a week. Then it moved. Wad the hell! It was creeping. Creepy! Can it hibernate?

.the worm syndrome.
(contracted from eric)

.im trapped.

2005-11-12T21:57:00.000+08:00

Oh, I just realised! Haha. Remembered I mention that brain also think in patterns? Well, being creative means to think out of pattern! And our brain makes lots and lots of assumptions too, to reduce our thinking. The brain is lazy. So we must list out these assumptions in all things or instructions we meet, then erase them to widen the boundaries of our thinking and choices.

But I still dun get it. How do we think out of patterns in problem solving, in design, in day dreaming?

Theres this famous question of : draw four straight lines to connect all these dots.

. . .
. . .
. . .

But this question is overly popularized. So if you dunno the answer, you are so out. If you figured out, its because you have the mindset and know that this question is about thinking out of the box.
If you dun have such a mindset, and you just know the answer, you are a creative out of the box thinker.

Actually, I think thinking out of the box is stupid. Cos its only useful in certain contexts. Like if a teacher asks you: where is my pencil box? You answer directly. Yet you can also think "out of the box" and break all assumptions guiding you to the obvious answer. Many ways you can answer, like:

"Where huh? It can be anywhere. Does it necessarily be on earth? Maybe its on Pluto. Yes, Pluto it will be."

"Is. Is. Its present. Maybe if you think where it was, you brought it to the classroom just now. It must be there."

"My. Oh my! Wasn't it the name of a shop? MY shop is at...london! yah."

"Pencil. Maybe she pronounced wrongly or heard wrongly. Maybe its utensil box. Isn't it on her table? Isn't she blind?"

"Box. Aha! So special huh. She has this pencil that have a boxing ability. So cool! Or maybe its this big brown cardboard box where she puts all her pencils. Why must it be a small colourful case? She dint say it was a case."

So. Where is the pencil box?

.my uncertainty.

2005-11-08T21:08:00.000+08:00

Im a strong believer in relativity. I think that there is a relation between everything in the universe and they can be converted into any type, in whichever form they are.

I also believe in patterns in our subconscious. And this concept works hand in hand with relativity, that our minds relates whatever we noe or recognise to something.

This brings me to another thought and conclusion based on my beliefs and knowledge. do you relate any characteristic of a person you noe to a portion of his personality? For example, you relate his bad features of him to some bad personality traits of his. You relate his good personality traits to good features of him. I think I do. somehow.

Well, if so, does this explain why people with good bodily features are always thought as good and produce a positive image in our minds and bad bodily features are thought as bad and produce a negative image in our minds? Maybe. Lemme try to explain this. Im not too sure anyway. Maybe its because as good features are related to good traits and vice versa, bad traits of beautiful people are hardly remembered or recognised, as there are little or no bad features on these beautiful people for our mind to relate the bad traits to. Geddit? I think not. I dun understand myself too. Hahaz.

But this theory is questionable. Its always good to good and bad to bad. Whats good whats bad then? Therefore, I put forward another theory.

That is, people relate specific character traits to specific bodily features, normally on the face as we focus on it most often (unless it is special for your case ;). This means that traits are still bind to the features, but not to good and bad ones. Does this explain why you often see actors and actresses changing their images so often?

I believe that changing your image, any feature of it, means refreshing the specific trait that anybody had related to it. Confusing? Lets take for example. Someone has this disgusting hairstyle. You relate the hairstyle to his/her disgustingness (theres such a word?! Microsoft never correct it!). but one day, this person changes his/her hairstyle. You remember their disgustingness but you take it in a totally new light and accept them. Does this happen to you? I dunno, but I somehow, somewhat does happens to me.

Get what im trying to illustrate now? Good.

So, if I want to change myself and how I project myself to others, do I have to do a makeover? Certainly. But it brings us back to the question. Its essential to change ourselves for the better, but do we have to care wad others view us, with so many interruptions like relativity, misunderstandings, minconceptions? You decide.

Erm, I asked a lot of questions in this post because im unsure. I feel this way, but do you?

.your serendipity.